Here's what I don't like the most

I think the thing I most hate about the MS is that it requires me to be vulnerable. MS has forced me to recognize that I am incapable of doing everything (I know, this is irrational) myself. It requires me to depend on other people and trust that they can do it (this is not a strength of mine). It asks me to listen to myself and take a rest instead of just pushing through it.

I have 'zombied' (not a real word, but it is for the sake of this post) through life, pushing through the physical and emotional pain, and putting myself on the back burner. I would drop everything I was doing to help (more like rescue) my friends and family. I have high expectations of my friends, so when they wouldn't do the same for me, I would become enraged at them. Upon further internal exploration, I would find I was more mad at myself for sacrificing so much of myself for those I loved. Don't get me wrong, I loved doing what I did, but I ignored so much of my wants and needs that I became resentful. Resentful of myself.

Having MS has forced me to allow (make sense?) myself to be vulnerable by asking for help and setting boundaries regarding what I can and cannot do. I think I've really pissed some people off in my life because of this too. I'm no longer apt to drop everything to run to my friends and family. I put responsibility (which is very healthy to do this-what I was doing was enabling) back on them to help solve their own predicaments. I've had to tell people 'no' over and over again because some times I am just too damned tired to go out or to feel any more emotionally drained. Although change is 'good', change can also be painful because some times you are forced to acknowledge those things that you tried to ignore for so long.

I now have to face all those things I tried to ignore for so long. I won't stuff my feelings any more. I refuse to lead a life based in shame and living up to other people's standards. More importantly, I will no longer lead my life comparing myself to others. I want a joy filled life that focuses on all that I have now because of the MS. Not what I feel I lost because of the diagnosis.

May you find your joy in life and leave behind the shame. Remember, it's a process, not an event.
L

Is there really a reason for everything?

I've been trying to think of why I got MS when I did or why I did. I don't think anyone ever strives to have an incurable disease in their life, but it's what life handed me. When I read different things about MS, there's one thing we all have in common: we did too much for everyone else and didn't take care of ourselves (or 'took care of ourselves' in really bad ways).

I got the diagnosis at one of the lowest points in my life. In December of 2008, I was rear ended by someone who rushed through a yellow light. Little did I know that day, that things would rapidly spiral downward. Approximately 6 days later, I was laid off from a job that I truly enjoyed, just before Christmas. In February, while still unemployed and trying to keep everything 'together', I woke up to drag my depressed butt to the gym and walked out to a Jeep that had been broken into. I remember looking up to the sky and saying to God "Is there anything else you would like to throw my way right now?" Be careful what you ask for. I awoke a few days later to a leg that I thought I had slept on wrong. It kinda felt like your limbs do when they start to fall asleep. It was slightly cold feeling and numb and tingling. I honestly thought I had a pinched nerve from the accident. Long story short: an MRI and spinal tap later and I had the diagnosis staring me in the face.

Over the next year, I spent my life in a very high stress job in which I doubted my abilities nearly every day. I have never cried so much in my life. I remember in college I had a professor that told us that if we wanted to learn the most, put ourselves working with the most difficult population we can find. He told that class that, after doing that, everything else you do will be easy from there on out. I did that and I threw myself in it. I don't regret the choice I made to take that job and stay there because I learned a lot about myself as a counselor and how to set boundaries with friends and family. However, I was emotionally and physically exhausted all the time. The high stress took a toll on me and the MS. I had to quit, for the sake of my sanity and my relationships.

My first attempt at medication pretty much sucked. I was on one that I took daily, which was a constant reminder of the MS. Not to mention HORRIBLE injection site reactions. It was as if I had 7 mosquito bites on my body at any given time. I itched them so much I would do it in my sleep and they would bruise. That medication did not do as well as it should have and I am now taking one that I truly don't mind. I take it weekly and the side affects are much more manageable. It's nice to not loathe the medication that is supposed to be helping improve the progression of a disease that is incurable.

I have now moved on to a job that is significantly less stressful and that I feel very effective at. I don't always like going to work all the time, but I am happy when I am there. My veil of depression has lifted, at least for now (depression is a side affect of MS-gee, I wonder why?). There are so many things I am thankful for, but even better, I can recognize those things I am thankful for.

It's hard to see the forest from the trees when you are in the thick of things, no?

Blessings,
L

Been a long time comin'

Well, I know my original intentions were to continue to write on this blog at least once weekly. Since my last post was on August 27, that hasn't happened, now has it? I have been meaning to get on here and get some things out of my head, but haven't been able to bring myself to do it. What's been floating around in my head have been thoughts related to the MS, and I truly don't like to think of it that much. This could get messy, so do your best to keep up and I'll do my best to stay on track!

I've been thinking that I would like to refer to 'my MS' as something other than that phrase. 'My MS' is not something that I want to refer to as a friend. I'm definitely not on 'friendly' terms with this disease. I don't like to think of it as something I am fighting either because then I would be fighting against myself. I don't want to do that anymore. 'My MS' is more like something that has taken up residence in my body. I've tried to evict it and the damn thing refuses to leave!! For those of you that are landlords or ever have been, you can imagine how absolutely infuriating this is!! So, I still don't know what to refer to 'my MS' as. I was thinking of referring to 'it' as Lolita or something else ridiculous. I like to have conversations with 'my MS' from time to time, so I do find it important to put a name on 'it' or something. I don't want to be friendly with 'it', but I also don't want to personalize 'it' with 'my MS.'

For now, Lolita it will be, unless someone else has a better suggestion? I do, quite often, refer to Lolita as a pain in the ass or 'the nuisance', so these terms are interchangeable as well. :-)

Peace, love, and all things sunshine
L (not to be confused with Lolita)

An Obituary

R.I.P.
Inner Critic
May 30, 1980-August 27, 2010

Dear Inner Critic-

I know we have been together for a long while now, but I've been thinking. I believe deeply in my heart that this 'relationship' we have is no longer a good fit for me anymore. You have been my companion through so many trying times, but, quite honestly, you only made things worse! Although you have been with me the majority of my life, I will no longer tolerate the awful things you say to me. I have believed those lies for far too long and I now choose to think different thoughts. I am coming to see just how beautiful, competent, and sexy (that's right, I said it!) I am. You may have helped motivate me to become, what I thought, was a better person. However, I no longer want to hide behind the veil that you have so painstakingly created for me. I no longer define myself by the thoughts you planted in my mind. I am so much more than what you have been telling me I am. Your words are poison and my antidote is to destroy any remaining memory of you. I know you will try to creep back in my life and I will have safety measures in place.

I have so much more in my life now and it's time for you to move on. For that, I bid you goodbye once and for all. I wish I could say that I am sad to see this relationship end, but I am ready to move on from your grip. You no longer have a place in my life, which is a welcome change.

I love myself more than I have ever loved you...

L

Resurrection

Holy canoli! Has it really been since January that I last blogged?! How time flies when you are making life decisions. So much has changed in that short amount of time, so I'll try to stay on track here.

First and foremost, I am now married to the man I am proud to call my husband. We have also recently invested in a new home for ourselves, so I will be busy with that project very soon. I am no longer vegan-I missed cheese and the occasional cow way too much. I have switched my MS meds and am liking this new one much better! I quit my job I was formerly at and am now an independent contractor back at my old employers location. I have my own space and it smells delightful in my office (that was an issue at the old place-don't ask).

So, this is the beginning of a new blog, a new outlook on life, a new chapter in my life journey. I have had let relationships fall to the wayside as I was weeding my way out the mud and muck, but I have vowed to make amends to this. I have also made a commitment to myself to make me #1 and start taking better care of my physical and emotional needs. It's so easy to lose sight of yourself when you are wrapped up in your own thoughts-ironic, no? It's time to start listening to that little voice inside myself that I, for so long, ignored and tried to make even smaller.

Just like the lotus that grows in some of the worst possible environments, I too shall begin to shine again and reach out for the sun. Along the way, I will remind myself that I am good and worthy of nothing but the best in life.

Love, light, and many blessings-

L

PS-I have made a blogpact with my dear friend Amy (http://seriouslyamy.blogspot.com). Check hers out as well, if you will.

it's been a while now coming

i realized how much time had passed since i last had an entry on my virtual venting board, so i thought i have a go at it.

not much has changed. an opportunity that had presented itself did not go quite as i had hoped. i survived my first round of steroids and am not looking forward to the next 5 rounds of it. as long as it helps, i'll do it. of course i won't know that until i have my next MRI in 5 months though. hopefully it was all worth the manic behavior in the end. my fella should be home within the next 3 weeks. what was supposed to be a 70 day TDY turned into double that. however, he is separating in April, so no more flying unless he goes into the reserves.

the vegan diet continues to go well. i haven't weighed myself b/c of the steroids and then some other things, but i feel good and that's what matters most to me. i do need to get my butt to the gym. not much else. my life is drama-free and somewhat boring at times. i get enough action from work and sometimes from my friends, so i'll enjoy the quietude for now.

may you have peace within as well
L

"It is our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
~Dumbledore, Harry Potter

Dumbledore was wise beyond the pages that confined him. i truly think that this is a quote to live by. too much in life we go into things with a mindset of trying to prove oneself. however, actions speak louder than words. we've seen plenty of people in this world who are skilled at doing, but can they make choices that reflect who they are trying to portray? that's where the inconsistency comes in.

Say No to Drugs Kids

i started my prendezone on Tuesday. i absolutely dislike the effect it is having on me. i am shaky, jittery, hyper, and wake up at 4:30am on my own and can't get back to sleep. henceforth, i write. thankfully, i only have to take them once a month for five days over the next six months. what will happen after that will be a new MRI to see if the steroids helped shrink the active lesions, therefore i would see a remission of my symptoms. if not, then it's back to the drawing board, which means a new type of med with it's own host of side-affects. joy.

i will say, though, that i have been feeling much better about some things. i applied for my full licensure this week and have some other things going on behind the scenes that i'm excited about. my fella should be home within the next few weeks, so i am very thrilled about that as well. i started back swimming last night. it felt good to get back in the water and just have some time alone with myself. swimming is meditation for me. i look forward to practicing and building up my lung capacity and stamina again.

as for the book i was reading, i still am, but haven't picked it up all week. i intend to get back into that today, actually. here it sits, next to me on my kitchen table, beckoning me to open it's pages. it's also a library book and i love the sound that the clear protective covering makes. if i could, i would probably cover all my books in that stuff. for me, it's what childhood memories are made of. i spent a lot of time with my mom and grandma at the library as a kid, so i think fondly on the feel and sound of that clear, crackling book cover.

here's to another day of meaning making in my life,
L

I concur

"At moments when you get really worried about how things are going, remind oneself that where you are is where you are supposed to be. That doesn't mean you can't make significant changes - you've just found yourself in a place where you want to make change. Life is a long-term process."

--Kim Jordan, New Belgium Brewing Company co-founder & CEO

keep in mind that life, growth, and change is a process and not an event. we tend to want, what we want, when we want it. i constantly have to remind myself b/c, i too, forget. we are all perfectly normal going through a temporary human experience.
-L

2 Words: MS Sucks

i woke up this morning and felt as if i had gotten no sleep at all. i ended up going into work for about two hours and my colleague was kind enough to cover group for me this evening. i hesitated to tell my clinical director about what was really going on b/c i was afraid she wouldn't believe me. i know it's my own insecurities, but i tend to lean on the side of paranoia when it comes to being sick. i had migraines a lot when i was in high school and friends and some teachers didn't believe me. hence, the reason i feel guilty when i call in sick to work. it's as if i tell myself that i don't have a right to take time out and rest.

MS and fatigue are a tricky thing. you never really know when it's gonna come on or go away. my fatigue feels as if a truck has hit me. i usually can't focus and, when i get too tired, i start to slur my words as if i'm drunk. that's all i need to sound like at work when i'm around a handful of women recovering from drug addiction. :-) i know that all that is within my control is to take care of myself. This means taking my shots daily, resting when my body calls for it, and now, taking Prendezone once a month for five days. i start that tomorrow. not really looking forward to it, but am hoping it will heal the lesions that are causing my current symptoms. praying that i won't be a raving bitch by the fifth day.

here's to the next step in my journey. thanks for sharing it with me...
L

Random

i just wanted to vent something momentarily. i went to a bridal show with a good friend, who is also getting married in May, today. it never ceases to amaze me how patronizing these shows can be. it's as if all the vendors assume that every woman there has been planning her wedding since she was 5 years old and wants to be a "princess" on her "big" day. here are 2 problems with this for me:

1) i want to be me on my wedding day. not a princess, queen, or any other reference to royalty
2) my wedding day will be one of many "big" days in my life. i do aspire to many other goals besides getting married

on the other side of this, i am very grateful to be spending the rest of my life with the man i love and who adores me. our wedding day is our opportunity for our family and friends to share in our joy and begin the journey we are about to take as husband and wife. it is also our chance to thank everyone who has been a part of our lives together, thus far and take part in one of many blessings we are sure to have in our life ahead of us.

many blessings,
L

Where's the...tofu?

i have gone head first into veganism! not b/c i find meat repulsive, but b/c i want to see

1) if i can do it and 2) improve my overall health

for as long as i can remember, my life has been a series of yo-yo dieting. enough is enough already. i want something that is a lifestyle i can adapt and don't have to kill myself exercising off what i put in my body.

i'm one of those who really needs to have structure with food. i am a mindless overeater. i eat b/c for so long food was my comfort, however it soon became my enemy. the thing with food, unlike most other addictions, is you can't just give it up. you need it for fuel for your body. most other drugs (i.e., alcohol, meth, nicotine, caffeine, etc.) is harmful for your body and you definitely don't need it. my drug of choice: food. all the women in our family battle with this.

an addiction is not something you just "get over." it is something that you are aware of and is a lifelong process, not a one time event. i'm not aware of the moment that food became my crutch, but it's been going on for quite some time. my weight really got out of control about 8 years ago. i just ate and ate. i went to class, worked waiting tables, went out and drank, ate at 2am, went to bed and repeated the whole train wreck the next day. gee, i wonder how my weight got as high as it did.

when i finally hit rock bottom with it all about 3 years ago, i was at my highest weight and miserable. i was not in a relationship and hadn't been in years, i hated my job, i was at my wits end with school and was ready to give up on many aspects of my life. i decided to take control of something that was within my grasp: my weight. i went on Medifast and lost around 70 lbs. in about a year. i've managed to keep most of that off, but still have about 30 more lbs i would like gone. i'm nearing my 30th birthday and i know that weight loss becomes more difficult around this time, so my desperation has really kicked in.

i was really thin as a child. i was diagnosed as ADHD and put on ritalin. i responded well to it, along with behavior modification. my side effect, like most kids, is that i didn't eat well. i was a rail and it was the only time in my life i was so. after i went off, my appetite came back and i picked up bad eating habits from family and friends. i don't blame them, as i do have a mind of my own, but i still ate to soothe any unpleasant emotions i was having.

so, here i am today, 2o-some years later, still not at the weight i would like to be. i've come to radically accept that there are certain things in my life that i can't change, but this is one i can and i intend to work on it. for so long i've had that mindset of "if i'm 'thin' then all will be well in my world." life happens when you're not paying attention and i don't want to let it pass me by.

here's to the next fork in my road of life, minus the second helpings...
L

Sunny side up, please?

~haven't posted in a while, so thought a good stream-of-consciousness was needed~

i've actually had a couple really great things happen in the last week, one of which I will share. If I've calculated correctly, i will be a fully licensed therapist (LIMHP) by monday. this means more to me than i can really form words for. this opens so many more doors for my career and my future. i should also soon have my provisional certificate for alcohol and drug counseling, which is one more quality that makes me more marketable. in the mean time, i sit and wait for my hours to be signed off on and then sent in to lincoln for approval. they can sometimes drag their feet, so send some good mojo my way in this matter, please...

i just finished reading So Stressed by drs. McClellan and Hamilton. i am a person who has chronic, acute stress. i have been wearing my shoulders as earrings for quite some time now. this has contributed to my ongoing pain in my neck and shoulders, however my car accident a year ago exacerbated this to the nth degree. i am becoming more mindful of this and am doing what i can to remedy it. regardless, it sucks. being aware is the beginning though, right?

i have not moved on to reading The 21 Day Cleanse (seeing a pattern here yet?). this one seems to be about a mental/emotional cleanse over the next 21 days. i'll keep ya posted on that one. i think after that i may move on to my Deepak Chopra books or some other fiction to get lost in.

i'll let you know how the mind cleanse goes (kinda sounds like brainwashing, eh?)
L

...le sigh...

today I write b/c I have to get some of this crap out of my head. had an appointment with my MS doc. found out I currently have 3 active lesions. she wants to switch my meds or add something to my current injections. here's my options and believe me, they are the lesser of 2 evils at this point.

for those of you who aren't familiar, MS medications are all injections, at least up until this point. the one I take is a man-made polymer called Copaxone. it's side affects (I call them severely irritating) include injection site reactions, which are swelling and severe itching. even better, I do these daily. lucky me. it's like I have 7 mosquito bites on my body at any given point in time.

so, what the doc proposes is to add 250mg of Prendezone (steroids) to my repertoire for 5 days a week, once a month. the other option is to switch to a new medication, also sub-cutaneous injection, called a beta-seron (that's the formula, not the drug name). the side affects of these include flu-like symptoms (chills, body aches, hot flashes) and I would have to have my blood drawn once a month to monitor my thyroid and liver enzymes.

these are my choices right now. see what I mean by the lesser of 2 evils? just when you think life can't get more complicated, you get thrown a curve ball that shows you otherwise.

I'm trying desperately to pull myself out of my pity party. so far, I'm the only attendee and it's very lonely. I have been feeling very hopeless and powerless since my appointment.

tomorrow is a new day and, hopefully, a sunnier outlook...
L

Left Out

just when I think I don't know what's going on, I am able to reconnect with some of those I love the most. it never ceases to amaze me how much I love my friends. not only for their strength, but for those traits they bring to my life that I, myself, may not possess yet. I am inspired, not only by them, but by the individuals I work with. when I really think about it, my problems seem so small in comparison.

I watched today as a friend cried for me. I guess I can be so unaware about my MS, that I don't really think about what I am truly saying. there is the fear that I will one day wake up and not be able to see or walk. however, there is always the hope that this will never happen and, if it does, my vision or physical ability will come back in an un-predetermined amount of time. I tend to be a bit flippant about these things that her tears really brought me back to center. a reality check is good from time to time...

I believe in the beauty of the moment...
L

Reflections

as I look back over the last 2 years of my life a couple phrases come to mind:

*damage control*
*fight or flight*

I don't want this to come across as hopeless b/c we only learn the most when times are hard. however, for the first time in my life, I'm ready to sit back and flunk out of school for a while.

everyone keeps telling me that the first year with MS is the hardest and I would agree. I am also told that the first two years as a counselor are the most difficult, in which I would also agree. so, this last year has been one of the most difficult I have ever experienced in my short life.

I'm ready for the pendulum to swing back to the middle and quit being on the extremes. I truly want to find harmony in my personal life, my health, my career, and my finances. as you can imagine, these all intertwine, so I'm just waiting for the domino effect to occur. I believe this will most likely start with me and my state of mind, which has been a bit precarious as of late.

I've noticed a change in me and I also know my family and friends have as well. I sometimes think they don't all understand how emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining my job is. when I have time off, I sit around and do nothing. I don't know where my joy has gone, but my spark is slowly being snuffed out. either that, or I'm just becoming more introverted the older I get.

here's to finding joy and staying hopeful for 2010
L