I think the thing I most hate about the MS is that it requires me to be vulnerable. MS has forced me to recognize that I am incapable of doing everything (I know, this is irrational) myself. It requires me to depend on other people and trust that they can do it (this is not a strength of mine). It asks me to listen to myself and take a rest instead of just pushing through it.
I have 'zombied' (not a real word, but it is for the sake of this post) through life, pushing through the physical and emotional pain, and putting myself on the back burner. I would drop everything I was doing to help (more like rescue) my friends and family. I have high expectations of my friends, so when they wouldn't do the same for me, I would become enraged at them. Upon further internal exploration, I would find I was more mad at myself for sacrificing so much of myself for those I loved. Don't get me wrong, I loved doing what I did, but I ignored so much of my wants and needs that I became resentful. Resentful of myself.
Having MS has forced me to allow (make sense?) myself to be vulnerable by asking for help and setting boundaries regarding what I can and cannot do. I think I've really pissed some people off in my life because of this too. I'm no longer apt to drop everything to run to my friends and family. I put responsibility (which is very healthy to do this-what I was doing was enabling) back on them to help solve their own predicaments. I've had to tell people 'no' over and over again because some times I am just too damned tired to go out or to feel any more emotionally drained. Although change is 'good', change can also be painful because some times you are forced to acknowledge those things that you tried to ignore for so long.
I now have to face all those things I tried to ignore for so long. I won't stuff my feelings any more. I refuse to lead a life based in shame and living up to other people's standards. More importantly, I will no longer lead my life comparing myself to others. I want a joy filled life that focuses on all that I have now because of the MS. Not what I feel I lost because of the diagnosis.
May you find your joy in life and leave behind the shame. Remember, it's a process, not an event.
L
Monday, November 29, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Is there really a reason for everything?
I've been trying to think of why I got MS when I did or why I did. I don't think anyone ever strives to have an incurable disease in their life, but it's what life handed me. When I read different things about MS, there's one thing we all have in common: we did too much for everyone else and didn't take care of ourselves (or 'took care of ourselves' in really bad ways).
I got the diagnosis at one of the lowest points in my life. In December of 2008, I was rear ended by someone who rushed through a yellow light. Little did I know that day, that things would rapidly spiral downward. Approximately 6 days later, I was laid off from a job that I truly enjoyed, just before Christmas. In February, while still unemployed and trying to keep everything 'together', I woke up to drag my depressed butt to the gym and walked out to a Jeep that had been broken into. I remember looking up to the sky and saying to God "Is there anything else you would like to throw my way right now?" Be careful what you ask for. I awoke a few days later to a leg that I thought I had slept on wrong. It kinda felt like your limbs do when they start to fall asleep. It was slightly cold feeling and numb and tingling. I honestly thought I had a pinched nerve from the accident. Long story short: an MRI and spinal tap later and I had the diagnosis staring me in the face.
Over the next year, I spent my life in a very high stress job in which I doubted my abilities nearly every day. I have never cried so much in my life. I remember in college I had a professor that told us that if we wanted to learn the most, put ourselves working with the most difficult population we can find. He told that class that, after doing that, everything else you do will be easy from there on out. I did that and I threw myself in it. I don't regret the choice I made to take that job and stay there because I learned a lot about myself as a counselor and how to set boundaries with friends and family. However, I was emotionally and physically exhausted all the time. The high stress took a toll on me and the MS. I had to quit, for the sake of my sanity and my relationships.
My first attempt at medication pretty much sucked. I was on one that I took daily, which was a constant reminder of the MS. Not to mention HORRIBLE injection site reactions. It was as if I had 7 mosquito bites on my body at any given time. I itched them so much I would do it in my sleep and they would bruise. That medication did not do as well as it should have and I am now taking one that I truly don't mind. I take it weekly and the side affects are much more manageable. It's nice to not loathe the medication that is supposed to be helping improve the progression of a disease that is incurable.
I have now moved on to a job that is significantly less stressful and that I feel very effective at. I don't always like going to work all the time, but I am happy when I am there. My veil of depression has lifted, at least for now (depression is a side affect of MS-gee, I wonder why?). There are so many things I am thankful for, but even better, I can recognize those things I am thankful for.
It's hard to see the forest from the trees when you are in the thick of things, no?
Blessings,
L
I got the diagnosis at one of the lowest points in my life. In December of 2008, I was rear ended by someone who rushed through a yellow light. Little did I know that day, that things would rapidly spiral downward. Approximately 6 days later, I was laid off from a job that I truly enjoyed, just before Christmas. In February, while still unemployed and trying to keep everything 'together', I woke up to drag my depressed butt to the gym and walked out to a Jeep that had been broken into. I remember looking up to the sky and saying to God "Is there anything else you would like to throw my way right now?" Be careful what you ask for. I awoke a few days later to a leg that I thought I had slept on wrong. It kinda felt like your limbs do when they start to fall asleep. It was slightly cold feeling and numb and tingling. I honestly thought I had a pinched nerve from the accident. Long story short: an MRI and spinal tap later and I had the diagnosis staring me in the face.
Over the next year, I spent my life in a very high stress job in which I doubted my abilities nearly every day. I have never cried so much in my life. I remember in college I had a professor that told us that if we wanted to learn the most, put ourselves working with the most difficult population we can find. He told that class that, after doing that, everything else you do will be easy from there on out. I did that and I threw myself in it. I don't regret the choice I made to take that job and stay there because I learned a lot about myself as a counselor and how to set boundaries with friends and family. However, I was emotionally and physically exhausted all the time. The high stress took a toll on me and the MS. I had to quit, for the sake of my sanity and my relationships.
My first attempt at medication pretty much sucked. I was on one that I took daily, which was a constant reminder of the MS. Not to mention HORRIBLE injection site reactions. It was as if I had 7 mosquito bites on my body at any given time. I itched them so much I would do it in my sleep and they would bruise. That medication did not do as well as it should have and I am now taking one that I truly don't mind. I take it weekly and the side affects are much more manageable. It's nice to not loathe the medication that is supposed to be helping improve the progression of a disease that is incurable.
I have now moved on to a job that is significantly less stressful and that I feel very effective at. I don't always like going to work all the time, but I am happy when I am there. My veil of depression has lifted, at least for now (depression is a side affect of MS-gee, I wonder why?). There are so many things I am thankful for, but even better, I can recognize those things I am thankful for.
It's hard to see the forest from the trees when you are in the thick of things, no?
Blessings,
L
Been a long time comin'
Well, I know my original intentions were to continue to write on this blog at least once weekly. Since my last post was on August 27, that hasn't happened, now has it? I have been meaning to get on here and get some things out of my head, but haven't been able to bring myself to do it. What's been floating around in my head have been thoughts related to the MS, and I truly don't like to think of it that much. This could get messy, so do your best to keep up and I'll do my best to stay on track!
I've been thinking that I would like to refer to 'my MS' as something other than that phrase. 'My MS' is not something that I want to refer to as a friend. I'm definitely not on 'friendly' terms with this disease. I don't like to think of it as something I am fighting either because then I would be fighting against myself. I don't want to do that anymore. 'My MS' is more like something that has taken up residence in my body. I've tried to evict it and the damn thing refuses to leave!! For those of you that are landlords or ever have been, you can imagine how absolutely infuriating this is!! So, I still don't know what to refer to 'my MS' as. I was thinking of referring to 'it' as Lolita or something else ridiculous. I like to have conversations with 'my MS' from time to time, so I do find it important to put a name on 'it' or something. I don't want to be friendly with 'it', but I also don't want to personalize 'it' with 'my MS.'
For now, Lolita it will be, unless someone else has a better suggestion? I do, quite often, refer to Lolita as a pain in the ass or 'the nuisance', so these terms are interchangeable as well. :-)
Peace, love, and all things sunshine
L (not to be confused with Lolita)
I've been thinking that I would like to refer to 'my MS' as something other than that phrase. 'My MS' is not something that I want to refer to as a friend. I'm definitely not on 'friendly' terms with this disease. I don't like to think of it as something I am fighting either because then I would be fighting against myself. I don't want to do that anymore. 'My MS' is more like something that has taken up residence in my body. I've tried to evict it and the damn thing refuses to leave!! For those of you that are landlords or ever have been, you can imagine how absolutely infuriating this is!! So, I still don't know what to refer to 'my MS' as. I was thinking of referring to 'it' as Lolita or something else ridiculous. I like to have conversations with 'my MS' from time to time, so I do find it important to put a name on 'it' or something. I don't want to be friendly with 'it', but I also don't want to personalize 'it' with 'my MS.'
For now, Lolita it will be, unless someone else has a better suggestion? I do, quite often, refer to Lolita as a pain in the ass or 'the nuisance', so these terms are interchangeable as well. :-)
Peace, love, and all things sunshine
L (not to be confused with Lolita)
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