MS is one of those diseases that kinda sneaks up on you. Take today, for instance. My symptoms in my right side have been pretty wonky, but I expect that because I am hormonal (MS goes crazy before your period). As I'm driving tonight, I notice that now my right calf is trembling as I accelerate or brake. Great. What the hell does that mean? Is my medication not working? Is my disease progressing? AM I GONNA BE ABLE TO WALK TOMORROW? That's pretty much how quickly my mind starts going. No matter how many people I have around me, no one knows what this is like, unless you have MS yourself.
I know I should be grateful that I don't have a terminal illness. I know I shouldn't be scared. I know I shouldn't think too far into the future. Guess what? I'm NOT grateful that I don't have something worse!! As far as I'm concerned, God can have this stupid disease back because I sure as hell don't want it! I'm freaking scared almost all the time of how the hell this disease is going to progress and how big of a fucking burden I'm going to be to my husband and family. I'm scared as hell that I won't be able to care for myself, let alone my child (when we have one). I'm scared as hell that I'm going to pass this disease on to them (I understand there's no proven genetic link, but it still is something I have to think about). This is one reason why I contemplated only having one child because I don't know what's going to happen.
The reality is, no one knows either. I hate how MS has made me so very skeptical of everything. My belief in God, my faith in my doctors, my belief in my own ability to heal. I just want to go on and live my life MS-free. I want to be free of this worry. I want to stop living in fear of my own body. I want to live up to the very positivity I preach to the clients I work with.
For now, I am sad and angry. Sad and angry. Quite a combination?
L
Friday, February 11, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Am I ready?
I was fortunate enough to spend this past Sunday night at my good friend Amy's house with her DH and 2 beautiful (and excitable) children during the Superbowl. I'm not much of a football kinda gal, or any sports for that matter. I decided I would plan ahead by bringing 2 very important things with me: 1) A bottle of wine and 2) my knitting. I figured the wine would keep me entertained and the knitting would keep my hands busy (and away from eating my body weight in food). Amy's darling daughter took an interest in my knitting, asking all the wonderful questions a child her age does. She then wanted to know if she could help me. Of course she can!!
Now, I have always thought that I am great with kids and do want to have my own some day. Key words 'some day.' My career/school has always come first and my main priority, as of late, has been to gain some financial security before trying to put another beings life before mine. The more people have asked me when we are going to have kids, the more I've pushed it away. I'm kinda defiant like that and pretty much have been my whole life. The more you want me to do something, the less likely I am to do it. I don't think it's an only child thing, it's just a part of who I am.
So, getting back to Sunday. Amy's little darling sat in my lap for the better part of an hour and I taught her to knit (as much as her elf hands could help anyways). I can honestly say this is the most fun (sorry hubster) I have had in quite some time. On the way home, I recalled, with a big ole grin on my face, how just spending that time with her reinvigorated me. Is this what has been missing in my life now? Is this why I've been feeling so restless these past few years?
The fella and I still have a wedding to finish this October, so no pregnancy right now. The MS complicates some things, but it just requires more deliberate planning on our part. I don't know what the future will bring, but I am sure it will include children for us. I will be blessed with whatever we are given. I'm not sure how I will do with being a mom and balancing my health with working and parenting, but I do know my husband and family will be right by my side. I am confident I can do this, that we can do this. Parenting is scary stuff, but I know it will be worth it in the end.
Now, I have always thought that I am great with kids and do want to have my own some day. Key words 'some day.' My career/school has always come first and my main priority, as of late, has been to gain some financial security before trying to put another beings life before mine. The more people have asked me when we are going to have kids, the more I've pushed it away. I'm kinda defiant like that and pretty much have been my whole life. The more you want me to do something, the less likely I am to do it. I don't think it's an only child thing, it's just a part of who I am.
So, getting back to Sunday. Amy's little darling sat in my lap for the better part of an hour and I taught her to knit (as much as her elf hands could help anyways). I can honestly say this is the most fun (sorry hubster) I have had in quite some time. On the way home, I recalled, with a big ole grin on my face, how just spending that time with her reinvigorated me. Is this what has been missing in my life now? Is this why I've been feeling so restless these past few years?
The fella and I still have a wedding to finish this October, so no pregnancy right now. The MS complicates some things, but it just requires more deliberate planning on our part. I don't know what the future will bring, but I am sure it will include children for us. I will be blessed with whatever we are given. I'm not sure how I will do with being a mom and balancing my health with working and parenting, but I do know my husband and family will be right by my side. I am confident I can do this, that we can do this. Parenting is scary stuff, but I know it will be worth it in the end.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Kicked in the Gut
I recently discovered that (what I had thought) was a very good friend of mine unfriended me on Facebook (gotta love the new technology). I don't even know why this happened. Sure, I can speculate on why it happened, but there was no explanation. I feel like I was slapped in the face, from behind, while blindfolded.
I really struggle in letting relationships go. I attribute this to a biological father who never followed through with promises and, eventually, vacated my life completely by the time I was in elementary school. Regardless, it's hard for me to 'just get over it' and move on with my life, as many might suggest I do. I was under the impression that a 10 year friendship deserved more than an 'unfriending' on Facebook.
Maybe part of me also believed that I was immune to the game playing that can come along in different friendships. I thought I was somehow special in that respect. I saw the patterns and I should have known better. The optimist (or emotional masochist, whichever you prefer) in me believes in the very best of people, no matter what the past misdeeds are.
I think the real heart of all this is that this entire situation is that it triggers shame in me. Shame in that maybe I was a bad friend and deserved this, shame in that I should have done more to save the friendship, shame in that maybe I should have apologized more. These reasonings are all things that the old Laura would have done. This entire experience with the friend would trigger a huge shame cycle and away I would have gone with that. The reality is, I did what I could or what I felt was in my control to do. I did apologize once. A single apology is all that is needed, assuming it's done right. I like to think I did do it right and I'm not going to grovel. Either you accept the apology and we move forward or you stay stuck in the pain. Your choice.
This leads into another point: being that I am a licensed counselor, people naturally turn to me for feedback. I have to be really mindful to take my counselor hat off and put my friend hat in place. With this friendship I provided this person with a lot of counseling and I feel used. The last phone conversation we had involved a crisis in which I helped bring logic into the situation, as well as providing professional protocol and resourcing. Where I think I could have done better was to ask which perspective was wanted, instead of assuming it was the counselor position. Life lesson #34, 897 learned: ask instead of assuming. You would think, being a counselor, I would do this automatically. Alas, I am human and make mistakes. I'm not so great at counseling myself, hence the reason I have my own therapist. Maybe this person had higher expectations of me because I'm a therapist and should know better? I'm on this Earth for the same reason everyone else is: to live, learn, make mistakes, and make better choices the next time around.
I don't know what is to become of this. I hurt and hopefully, as time goes on, the pain and sadness will subside. I have to think about what I will take away from this experience and what I choose to leave behind me.
L
I really struggle in letting relationships go. I attribute this to a biological father who never followed through with promises and, eventually, vacated my life completely by the time I was in elementary school. Regardless, it's hard for me to 'just get over it' and move on with my life, as many might suggest I do. I was under the impression that a 10 year friendship deserved more than an 'unfriending' on Facebook.
Maybe part of me also believed that I was immune to the game playing that can come along in different friendships. I thought I was somehow special in that respect. I saw the patterns and I should have known better. The optimist (or emotional masochist, whichever you prefer) in me believes in the very best of people, no matter what the past misdeeds are.
I think the real heart of all this is that this entire situation is that it triggers shame in me. Shame in that maybe I was a bad friend and deserved this, shame in that I should have done more to save the friendship, shame in that maybe I should have apologized more. These reasonings are all things that the old Laura would have done. This entire experience with the friend would trigger a huge shame cycle and away I would have gone with that. The reality is, I did what I could or what I felt was in my control to do. I did apologize once. A single apology is all that is needed, assuming it's done right. I like to think I did do it right and I'm not going to grovel. Either you accept the apology and we move forward or you stay stuck in the pain. Your choice.
This leads into another point: being that I am a licensed counselor, people naturally turn to me for feedback. I have to be really mindful to take my counselor hat off and put my friend hat in place. With this friendship I provided this person with a lot of counseling and I feel used. The last phone conversation we had involved a crisis in which I helped bring logic into the situation, as well as providing professional protocol and resourcing. Where I think I could have done better was to ask which perspective was wanted, instead of assuming it was the counselor position. Life lesson #34, 897 learned: ask instead of assuming. You would think, being a counselor, I would do this automatically. Alas, I am human and make mistakes. I'm not so great at counseling myself, hence the reason I have my own therapist. Maybe this person had higher expectations of me because I'm a therapist and should know better? I'm on this Earth for the same reason everyone else is: to live, learn, make mistakes, and make better choices the next time around.
I don't know what is to become of this. I hurt and hopefully, as time goes on, the pain and sadness will subside. I have to think about what I will take away from this experience and what I choose to leave behind me.
L
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