I was fortunate enough to spend this past Sunday night at my good friend Amy's house with her DH and 2 beautiful (and excitable) children during the Superbowl. I'm not much of a football kinda gal, or any sports for that matter. I decided I would plan ahead by bringing 2 very important things with me: 1) A bottle of wine and 2) my knitting. I figured the wine would keep me entertained and the knitting would keep my hands busy (and away from eating my body weight in food). Amy's darling daughter took an interest in my knitting, asking all the wonderful questions a child her age does. She then wanted to know if she could help me. Of course she can!!
Now, I have always thought that I am great with kids and do want to have my own some day. Key words 'some day.' My career/school has always come first and my main priority, as of late, has been to gain some financial security before trying to put another beings life before mine. The more people have asked me when we are going to have kids, the more I've pushed it away. I'm kinda defiant like that and pretty much have been my whole life. The more you want me to do something, the less likely I am to do it. I don't think it's an only child thing, it's just a part of who I am.
So, getting back to Sunday. Amy's little darling sat in my lap for the better part of an hour and I taught her to knit (as much as her elf hands could help anyways). I can honestly say this is the most fun (sorry hubster) I have had in quite some time. On the way home, I recalled, with a big ole grin on my face, how just spending that time with her reinvigorated me. Is this what has been missing in my life now? Is this why I've been feeling so restless these past few years?
The fella and I still have a wedding to finish this October, so no pregnancy right now. The MS complicates some things, but it just requires more deliberate planning on our part. I don't know what the future will bring, but I am sure it will include children for us. I will be blessed with whatever we are given. I'm not sure how I will do with being a mom and balancing my health with working and parenting, but I do know my husband and family will be right by my side. I am confident I can do this, that we can do this. Parenting is scary stuff, but I know it will be worth it in the end.
Showing posts with label inspiration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inspiration. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Kicked in the Gut
I recently discovered that (what I had thought) was a very good friend of mine unfriended me on Facebook (gotta love the new technology). I don't even know why this happened. Sure, I can speculate on why it happened, but there was no explanation. I feel like I was slapped in the face, from behind, while blindfolded.
I really struggle in letting relationships go. I attribute this to a biological father who never followed through with promises and, eventually, vacated my life completely by the time I was in elementary school. Regardless, it's hard for me to 'just get over it' and move on with my life, as many might suggest I do. I was under the impression that a 10 year friendship deserved more than an 'unfriending' on Facebook.
Maybe part of me also believed that I was immune to the game playing that can come along in different friendships. I thought I was somehow special in that respect. I saw the patterns and I should have known better. The optimist (or emotional masochist, whichever you prefer) in me believes in the very best of people, no matter what the past misdeeds are.
I think the real heart of all this is that this entire situation is that it triggers shame in me. Shame in that maybe I was a bad friend and deserved this, shame in that I should have done more to save the friendship, shame in that maybe I should have apologized more. These reasonings are all things that the old Laura would have done. This entire experience with the friend would trigger a huge shame cycle and away I would have gone with that. The reality is, I did what I could or what I felt was in my control to do. I did apologize once. A single apology is all that is needed, assuming it's done right. I like to think I did do it right and I'm not going to grovel. Either you accept the apology and we move forward or you stay stuck in the pain. Your choice.
This leads into another point: being that I am a licensed counselor, people naturally turn to me for feedback. I have to be really mindful to take my counselor hat off and put my friend hat in place. With this friendship I provided this person with a lot of counseling and I feel used. The last phone conversation we had involved a crisis in which I helped bring logic into the situation, as well as providing professional protocol and resourcing. Where I think I could have done better was to ask which perspective was wanted, instead of assuming it was the counselor position. Life lesson #34, 897 learned: ask instead of assuming. You would think, being a counselor, I would do this automatically. Alas, I am human and make mistakes. I'm not so great at counseling myself, hence the reason I have my own therapist. Maybe this person had higher expectations of me because I'm a therapist and should know better? I'm on this Earth for the same reason everyone else is: to live, learn, make mistakes, and make better choices the next time around.
I don't know what is to become of this. I hurt and hopefully, as time goes on, the pain and sadness will subside. I have to think about what I will take away from this experience and what I choose to leave behind me.
L
I really struggle in letting relationships go. I attribute this to a biological father who never followed through with promises and, eventually, vacated my life completely by the time I was in elementary school. Regardless, it's hard for me to 'just get over it' and move on with my life, as many might suggest I do. I was under the impression that a 10 year friendship deserved more than an 'unfriending' on Facebook.
Maybe part of me also believed that I was immune to the game playing that can come along in different friendships. I thought I was somehow special in that respect. I saw the patterns and I should have known better. The optimist (or emotional masochist, whichever you prefer) in me believes in the very best of people, no matter what the past misdeeds are.
I think the real heart of all this is that this entire situation is that it triggers shame in me. Shame in that maybe I was a bad friend and deserved this, shame in that I should have done more to save the friendship, shame in that maybe I should have apologized more. These reasonings are all things that the old Laura would have done. This entire experience with the friend would trigger a huge shame cycle and away I would have gone with that. The reality is, I did what I could or what I felt was in my control to do. I did apologize once. A single apology is all that is needed, assuming it's done right. I like to think I did do it right and I'm not going to grovel. Either you accept the apology and we move forward or you stay stuck in the pain. Your choice.
This leads into another point: being that I am a licensed counselor, people naturally turn to me for feedback. I have to be really mindful to take my counselor hat off and put my friend hat in place. With this friendship I provided this person with a lot of counseling and I feel used. The last phone conversation we had involved a crisis in which I helped bring logic into the situation, as well as providing professional protocol and resourcing. Where I think I could have done better was to ask which perspective was wanted, instead of assuming it was the counselor position. Life lesson #34, 897 learned: ask instead of assuming. You would think, being a counselor, I would do this automatically. Alas, I am human and make mistakes. I'm not so great at counseling myself, hence the reason I have my own therapist. Maybe this person had higher expectations of me because I'm a therapist and should know better? I'm on this Earth for the same reason everyone else is: to live, learn, make mistakes, and make better choices the next time around.
I don't know what is to become of this. I hurt and hopefully, as time goes on, the pain and sadness will subside. I have to think about what I will take away from this experience and what I choose to leave behind me.
L
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
How you do anything is how you do everything
I think we can all agree that as we lose weight, we start to feel better about ourselves and have more confidence. What I've noticed in my own journey is, I got so caught up in the weight loss that, if I'd gain, my world was crushed. This led to feelings of depression, withdrawal from people, and then I got the 'f*@k its.' The f-its go a little like this: "Well, I already 'cheated' today. F-it. I'll go eat my body weight in Ben & Jerrys." In that context most people can relate. I was an 'all or nothing' kinda gal.
My self-worth became dependent on how much weight I lost and how many times I went to the gym that week. I was so shame-based with my body image and weight loss. I was terrified (literally) of gaining back weight, but I would do things that did just that (i.e., eating my body weight in ice cream, not exercising, etc.).
I have so much anxiety around food, which is why I like Medifast b/c it takes the guesswork out of it. I am someone who NEEDS structure to their food intake. I've become a lot more aware of mindless eating, eating as a result of boredom, eating b/c I'm thirsty, and eating b/c I am feeling sad or ashamed. Shame is my 'achilles heal.' Shame is an emotion everyone feels, but no one wants to talk about. I suspect many of you have experienced shame as a result of being overweight? Maybe you heard things like: "Why can't you just stop eating (insert food)?" "What's wrong with you?" "It's a simple matter of calories in and calories out!" (if that were true, our eating/weight problems would not be as prevalent as they are). Here's the big reality: Shame has NEVER motivated someone to implement lasting change. For some, it may in the beginning, but you can't keep up that same work based out of shame. However, our culture uses shame to motivate in so many ways (think things like politics, religion, parenting, relationships, etc.).
I have had to cultivate a willingness to make changes. I used to be willful (meaning, knowing what you need to do to be effective and NOT doing it) and then realized how that was setting me up for failure. MF has been that willingness for me. It's allowed me to see what happens when I eat what my body NEEDS and not what my mind and emotions want. It's allowed me to readjust my taste buds, so I no longer crave heavy sauces, fatty snacks, and candy. That kind of diet led to consistent food comas and worse feelings about myself. I became willing to say "I need help because I don't feel able to do this on my own!" Most of all, I had to be willing to be an active participant in my life, instead of numbing out with food. It allowed me to stop hiding behind my body weight and stop using it as an excuse to flow with life.
The biggest lesson has been to enjoy my life as I have it now and not "If I weighed 160 pounds, then my life would be happy, easy, carefree." That is not based in reality. It's some half-cocked notion that I lived a great deal of my life in, until a few years ago. When I do weigh 160 pounds (or 170, whichever), I will still be me. It's not as if I will wake up that morning that the scale reads the number I want and, magically, all my problems will disappear. That kind of thing ONLY happens in movies and fairy tales.
Enjoy the journey because life is a marathon and not a sprint. If you don't remember the hard stuff, you will take it for granted. It's the hard moments when we learn the most from...
Laura
My self-worth became dependent on how much weight I lost and how many times I went to the gym that week. I was so shame-based with my body image and weight loss. I was terrified (literally) of gaining back weight, but I would do things that did just that (i.e., eating my body weight in ice cream, not exercising, etc.).
I have so much anxiety around food, which is why I like Medifast b/c it takes the guesswork out of it. I am someone who NEEDS structure to their food intake. I've become a lot more aware of mindless eating, eating as a result of boredom, eating b/c I'm thirsty, and eating b/c I am feeling sad or ashamed. Shame is my 'achilles heal.' Shame is an emotion everyone feels, but no one wants to talk about. I suspect many of you have experienced shame as a result of being overweight? Maybe you heard things like: "Why can't you just stop eating (insert food)?" "What's wrong with you?" "It's a simple matter of calories in and calories out!" (if that were true, our eating/weight problems would not be as prevalent as they are). Here's the big reality: Shame has NEVER motivated someone to implement lasting change. For some, it may in the beginning, but you can't keep up that same work based out of shame. However, our culture uses shame to motivate in so many ways (think things like politics, religion, parenting, relationships, etc.).
I have had to cultivate a willingness to make changes. I used to be willful (meaning, knowing what you need to do to be effective and NOT doing it) and then realized how that was setting me up for failure. MF has been that willingness for me. It's allowed me to see what happens when I eat what my body NEEDS and not what my mind and emotions want. It's allowed me to readjust my taste buds, so I no longer crave heavy sauces, fatty snacks, and candy. That kind of diet led to consistent food comas and worse feelings about myself. I became willing to say "I need help because I don't feel able to do this on my own!" Most of all, I had to be willing to be an active participant in my life, instead of numbing out with food. It allowed me to stop hiding behind my body weight and stop using it as an excuse to flow with life.
The biggest lesson has been to enjoy my life as I have it now and not "If I weighed 160 pounds, then my life would be happy, easy, carefree." That is not based in reality. It's some half-cocked notion that I lived a great deal of my life in, until a few years ago. When I do weigh 160 pounds (or 170, whichever), I will still be me. It's not as if I will wake up that morning that the scale reads the number I want and, magically, all my problems will disappear. That kind of thing ONLY happens in movies and fairy tales.
Enjoy the journey because life is a marathon and not a sprint. If you don't remember the hard stuff, you will take it for granted. It's the hard moments when we learn the most from...
Laura
What Medifast Has Taught Me
I have tried nearly every diet in the book. And every diet in the book set me up for failure. It's not that their product or technique didn't work, it just didn't work FOR ME. I remember when I first went on Medifast. I had no confidence in myself (or the diet for that matter), I was severely depressed b/c I was miserable and lonely. I had basically crawled into myself and wanted to hibernate the rest of my life away. I was using food to numb out all these feelings that I didn't want to experience. I have used food most my life when I'm happy, sad, mad, or scared. I suspect many of you can relate?
What Medifast allowed me to do was see that I have choices in my life. No matter what the circumstance, there are always choices and there are always natural consequences. After I started losing weight, I started to have more confidence in myself (and the program). I started to say 'no' to people and 'yes' to my life. I'm pretty sure I have angered some people along the way, but that happens when you stand up for yourself and start setting boundaries.
I learned that I am beautiful and worthy of having love. I learned that I am good enough. I don't have to be perfect. "Perfection" is a word that sets people up for failure (I also think "normal" is as well). I can be me and I can make mistakes while being me. I now give myself permission to take time out for self-care (i.e, exercise, massage, acupuncture, etc.). I realize that I HAVE to put myself first, but not in a self-centered, narcissistic way. I have become 'self-focused' in order to love myself and be a healthy wife, daughter, friend, cousin, therapist, and eventually mother (some day).
I have learned so much these past few years. I have been tested over and over again, to brink of insanity sometimes. My clients teach me the most though. Just when I think I've had enough, I hear their stories of survival from some pretty awful trauma. I think, "If they can do it, I can do it." Living my life (and I mean LIVING, not EXISTING) is a choice I make each day when I wake up.
What do you choose for yourself today?
Blessings on your journey to finding your happiness and who you are,
Laura
What Medifast allowed me to do was see that I have choices in my life. No matter what the circumstance, there are always choices and there are always natural consequences. After I started losing weight, I started to have more confidence in myself (and the program). I started to say 'no' to people and 'yes' to my life. I'm pretty sure I have angered some people along the way, but that happens when you stand up for yourself and start setting boundaries.
I learned that I am beautiful and worthy of having love. I learned that I am good enough. I don't have to be perfect. "Perfection" is a word that sets people up for failure (I also think "normal" is as well). I can be me and I can make mistakes while being me. I now give myself permission to take time out for self-care (i.e, exercise, massage, acupuncture, etc.). I realize that I HAVE to put myself first, but not in a self-centered, narcissistic way. I have become 'self-focused' in order to love myself and be a healthy wife, daughter, friend, cousin, therapist, and eventually mother (some day).
I have learned so much these past few years. I have been tested over and over again, to brink of insanity sometimes. My clients teach me the most though. Just when I think I've had enough, I hear their stories of survival from some pretty awful trauma. I think, "If they can do it, I can do it." Living my life (and I mean LIVING, not EXISTING) is a choice I make each day when I wake up.
What do you choose for yourself today?
Blessings on your journey to finding your happiness and who you are,
Laura
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