MS is one of those diseases that kinda sneaks up on you. Take today, for instance. My symptoms in my right side have been pretty wonky, but I expect that because I am hormonal (MS goes crazy before your period). As I'm driving tonight, I notice that now my right calf is trembling as I accelerate or brake. Great. What the hell does that mean? Is my medication not working? Is my disease progressing? AM I GONNA BE ABLE TO WALK TOMORROW? That's pretty much how quickly my mind starts going. No matter how many people I have around me, no one knows what this is like, unless you have MS yourself.
I know I should be grateful that I don't have a terminal illness. I know I shouldn't be scared. I know I shouldn't think too far into the future. Guess what? I'm NOT grateful that I don't have something worse!! As far as I'm concerned, God can have this stupid disease back because I sure as hell don't want it! I'm freaking scared almost all the time of how the hell this disease is going to progress and how big of a fucking burden I'm going to be to my husband and family. I'm scared as hell that I won't be able to care for myself, let alone my child (when we have one). I'm scared as hell that I'm going to pass this disease on to them (I understand there's no proven genetic link, but it still is something I have to think about). This is one reason why I contemplated only having one child because I don't know what's going to happen.
The reality is, no one knows either. I hate how MS has made me so very skeptical of everything. My belief in God, my faith in my doctors, my belief in my own ability to heal. I just want to go on and live my life MS-free. I want to be free of this worry. I want to stop living in fear of my own body. I want to live up to the very positivity I preach to the clients I work with.
For now, I am sad and angry. Sad and angry. Quite a combination?
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lot's of emotions are getting boiles inside of me right now, because i was there, i am still there, the years i have wasted fighting against my body, myself, all the let downs, all the failures i have made, even though i knew better.
ReplyDeletei have nerve disese myself, and i know how it feels like. to be angry and sad, without seeing a way out.
to lose faith, to lock inside myself, while other people enjoy life to the fullest, but....one cannot go in this destrutive path, it's just waste of time and life.
and i know it, and ffs, i always succumb to the darkness, which is, feel sad, and do not believe in myself, if there a satan, this is it's ultra prime goal, to see you fail, and fight in yourself, so you wont have fight, and to stay the way you are, and to live without living, without joy and happiness.
sorry for this speech, but i needed that, to remind me how much an idiot i am.
your posts full of wisdom, i am full of wisdom, lot's of people are, but we just dont wanna listen, because we hope things will change even though we are doing the same. i know lot's people goin that way, but does it make me choose wisely? na.
i came in here because of this sentence:You never know how strong you are until being strong is the ONLY option you have.
i'm afraid i already knows it, but i dont wanna do it, because, maybe it wont matter.
hope i'm not being rude, i just needed to spill my guts out, and now i feel a bit more centerd.
anyway, i have to go, but il be glad to talk with you from time to time, maybe ill be strong as you are, i hope it will be tomorrow, but i have much to learn, and accept.
dear gal, i wish you all the best, i wish you good health, and to always be happy.
you are a good person.
all the best to you.
It is very hard to live with things we do not understand, to ask why me. I have a very rare disorder I have to live with. All I ever hear from Doctors is, "We are in uncharted territories, that is why you are listed as Idiopathic". I am paralyzed in both legs and have only 50% of upper body strength remaining. I too feel I am a burden to my spouse and family. I am thankful knowing I am loved and hold on to hope. I have found strength in knowing Christ and knowing someday my trails will be over and I will be made whole. Whether God allows it here or when I get home, all I can do is trust. I hope you stay strong and remember one thing, God makes a way for us, You never know all you need is Jesus, till all you have left is Jesus.
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