Kicked in the Gut

I recently discovered that (what I had thought) was a very good friend of mine unfriended me on Facebook (gotta love the new technology). I don't even know why this happened. Sure, I can speculate on why it happened, but there was no explanation. I feel like I was slapped in the face, from behind, while blindfolded.

I really struggle in letting relationships go. I attribute this to a biological father who never followed through with promises and, eventually, vacated my life completely by the time I was in elementary school. Regardless, it's hard for me to 'just get over it' and move on with my life, as many might suggest I do. I was under the impression that a 10 year friendship deserved more than an 'unfriending' on Facebook.

Maybe part of me also believed that I was immune to the game playing that can come along in different friendships. I thought I was somehow special in that respect. I saw the patterns and I should have known better. The optimist (or emotional masochist, whichever you prefer) in me believes in the very best of people, no matter what the past misdeeds are.

I think the real heart of all this is that this entire situation is that it triggers shame in me. Shame in that maybe I was a bad friend and deserved this, shame in that I should have done more to save the friendship, shame in that maybe I should have apologized more. These reasonings are all things that the old Laura would have done. This entire experience with the friend would trigger a huge shame cycle and away I would have gone with that. The reality is, I did what I could or what I felt was in my control to do. I did apologize once. A single apology is all that is needed, assuming it's done right. I like to think I did do it right and I'm not going to grovel. Either you accept the apology and we move forward or you stay stuck in the pain. Your choice.

This leads into another point: being that I am a licensed counselor, people naturally turn to me for feedback. I have to be really mindful to take my counselor hat off and put my friend hat in place. With this friendship I provided this person with a lot of counseling and I feel used. The last phone conversation we had involved a crisis in which I helped bring logic into the situation, as well as providing professional protocol and resourcing. Where I think I could have done better was to ask which perspective was wanted, instead of assuming it was the counselor position. Life lesson #34, 897 learned: ask instead of assuming. You would think, being a counselor, I would do this automatically. Alas, I am human and make mistakes. I'm not so great at counseling myself, hence the reason I have my own therapist. Maybe this person had higher expectations of me because I'm a therapist and should know better? I'm on this Earth for the same reason everyone else is: to live, learn, make mistakes, and make better choices the next time around.

I don't know what is to become of this. I hurt and hopefully, as time goes on, the pain and sadness will subside. I have to think about what I will take away from this experience and what I choose to leave behind me.

L