I think the thing I most hate about the MS is that it requires me to be vulnerable. MS has forced me to recognize that I am incapable of doing everything (I know, this is irrational) myself. It requires me to depend on other people and trust that they can do it (this is not a strength of mine). It asks me to listen to myself and take a rest instead of just pushing through it.
I have 'zombied' (not a real word, but it is for the sake of this post) through life, pushing through the physical and emotional pain, and putting myself on the back burner. I would drop everything I was doing to help (more like rescue) my friends and family. I have high expectations of my friends, so when they wouldn't do the same for me, I would become enraged at them. Upon further internal exploration, I would find I was more mad at myself for sacrificing so much of myself for those I loved. Don't get me wrong, I loved doing what I did, but I ignored so much of my wants and needs that I became resentful. Resentful of myself.
Having MS has forced me to allow (make sense?) myself to be vulnerable by asking for help and setting boundaries regarding what I can and cannot do. I think I've really pissed some people off in my life because of this too. I'm no longer apt to drop everything to run to my friends and family. I put responsibility (which is very healthy to do this-what I was doing was enabling) back on them to help solve their own predicaments. I've had to tell people 'no' over and over again because some times I am just too damned tired to go out or to feel any more emotionally drained. Although change is 'good', change can also be painful because some times you are forced to acknowledge those things that you tried to ignore for so long.
I now have to face all those things I tried to ignore for so long. I won't stuff my feelings any more. I refuse to lead a life based in shame and living up to other people's standards. More importantly, I will no longer lead my life comparing myself to others. I want a joy filled life that focuses on all that I have now because of the MS. Not what I feel I lost because of the diagnosis.
May you find your joy in life and leave behind the shame. Remember, it's a process, not an event.
L
No comments:
Post a Comment