I've been trying to think of why I got MS when I did or why I did. I don't think anyone ever strives to have an incurable disease in their life, but it's what life handed me. When I read different things about MS, there's one thing we all have in common: we did too much for everyone else and didn't take care of ourselves (or 'took care of ourselves' in really bad ways).
I got the diagnosis at one of the lowest points in my life. In December of 2008, I was rear ended by someone who rushed through a yellow light. Little did I know that day, that things would rapidly spiral downward. Approximately 6 days later, I was laid off from a job that I truly enjoyed, just before Christmas. In February, while still unemployed and trying to keep everything 'together', I woke up to drag my depressed butt to the gym and walked out to a Jeep that had been broken into. I remember looking up to the sky and saying to God "Is there anything else you would like to throw my way right now?" Be careful what you ask for. I awoke a few days later to a leg that I thought I had slept on wrong. It kinda felt like your limbs do when they start to fall asleep. It was slightly cold feeling and numb and tingling. I honestly thought I had a pinched nerve from the accident. Long story short: an MRI and spinal tap later and I had the diagnosis staring me in the face.
Over the next year, I spent my life in a very high stress job in which I doubted my abilities nearly every day. I have never cried so much in my life. I remember in college I had a professor that told us that if we wanted to learn the most, put ourselves working with the most difficult population we can find. He told that class that, after doing that, everything else you do will be easy from there on out. I did that and I threw myself in it. I don't regret the choice I made to take that job and stay there because I learned a lot about myself as a counselor and how to set boundaries with friends and family. However, I was emotionally and physically exhausted all the time. The high stress took a toll on me and the MS. I had to quit, for the sake of my sanity and my relationships.
My first attempt at medication pretty much sucked. I was on one that I took daily, which was a constant reminder of the MS. Not to mention HORRIBLE injection site reactions. It was as if I had 7 mosquito bites on my body at any given time. I itched them so much I would do it in my sleep and they would bruise. That medication did not do as well as it should have and I am now taking one that I truly don't mind. I take it weekly and the side affects are much more manageable. It's nice to not loathe the medication that is supposed to be helping improve the progression of a disease that is incurable.
I have now moved on to a job that is significantly less stressful and that I feel very effective at. I don't always like going to work all the time, but I am happy when I am there. My veil of depression has lifted, at least for now (depression is a side affect of MS-gee, I wonder why?). There are so many things I am thankful for, but even better, I can recognize those things I am thankful for.
It's hard to see the forest from the trees when you are in the thick of things, no?
Blessings,
L
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