Where's the...tofu?

i have gone head first into veganism! not b/c i find meat repulsive, but b/c i want to see

1) if i can do it and 2) improve my overall health

for as long as i can remember, my life has been a series of yo-yo dieting. enough is enough already. i want something that is a lifestyle i can adapt and don't have to kill myself exercising off what i put in my body.

i'm one of those who really needs to have structure with food. i am a mindless overeater. i eat b/c for so long food was my comfort, however it soon became my enemy. the thing with food, unlike most other addictions, is you can't just give it up. you need it for fuel for your body. most other drugs (i.e., alcohol, meth, nicotine, caffeine, etc.) is harmful for your body and you definitely don't need it. my drug of choice: food. all the women in our family battle with this.

an addiction is not something you just "get over." it is something that you are aware of and is a lifelong process, not a one time event. i'm not aware of the moment that food became my crutch, but it's been going on for quite some time. my weight really got out of control about 8 years ago. i just ate and ate. i went to class, worked waiting tables, went out and drank, ate at 2am, went to bed and repeated the whole train wreck the next day. gee, i wonder how my weight got as high as it did.

when i finally hit rock bottom with it all about 3 years ago, i was at my highest weight and miserable. i was not in a relationship and hadn't been in years, i hated my job, i was at my wits end with school and was ready to give up on many aspects of my life. i decided to take control of something that was within my grasp: my weight. i went on Medifast and lost around 70 lbs. in about a year. i've managed to keep most of that off, but still have about 30 more lbs i would like gone. i'm nearing my 30th birthday and i know that weight loss becomes more difficult around this time, so my desperation has really kicked in.

i was really thin as a child. i was diagnosed as ADHD and put on ritalin. i responded well to it, along with behavior modification. my side effect, like most kids, is that i didn't eat well. i was a rail and it was the only time in my life i was so. after i went off, my appetite came back and i picked up bad eating habits from family and friends. i don't blame them, as i do have a mind of my own, but i still ate to soothe any unpleasant emotions i was having.

so, here i am today, 2o-some years later, still not at the weight i would like to be. i've come to radically accept that there are certain things in my life that i can't change, but this is one i can and i intend to work on it. for so long i've had that mindset of "if i'm 'thin' then all will be well in my world." life happens when you're not paying attention and i don't want to let it pass me by.

here's to the next fork in my road of life, minus the second helpings...
L