How you do anything is how you do everything

I think we can all agree that as we lose weight, we start to feel better about ourselves and have more confidence. What I've noticed in my own journey is, I got so caught up in the weight loss that, if I'd gain, my world was crushed. This led to feelings of depression, withdrawal from people, and then I got the 'f*@k its.' The f-its go a little like this: "Well, I already 'cheated' today. F-it. I'll go eat my body weight in Ben & Jerrys." In that context most people can relate. I was an 'all or nothing' kinda gal.


My self-worth became dependent on how much weight I lost and how many times I went to the gym that week. I was so shame-based with my body image and weight loss. I was terrified (literally) of gaining back weight, but I would do things that did just that (i.e., eating my body weight in ice cream, not exercising, etc.).


I have so much anxiety around food, which is why I like Medifast b/c it takes the guesswork out of it. I am someone who NEEDS structure to their food intake. I've become a lot more aware of mindless eating, eating as a result of boredom, eating b/c I'm thirsty, and eating b/c I am feeling sad or ashamed. Shame is my 'achilles heal.' Shame is an emotion everyone feels, but no one wants to talk about. I suspect many of you have experienced shame as a result of being overweight? Maybe you heard things like: "Why can't you just stop eating (insert food)?" "What's wrong with you?" "It's a simple matter of calories in and calories out!" (if that were true, our eating/weight problems would not be as prevalent as they are). Here's the big reality: Shame has NEVER motivated someone to implement lasting change. For some, it may in the beginning, but you can't keep up that same work based out of shame. However, our culture uses shame to motivate in so many ways (think things like politics, religion, parenting, relationships, etc.).


I have had to cultivate a willingness to make changes. I used to be willful (meaning, knowing what you need to do to be effective and NOT doing it) and then realized how that was setting me up for failure. MF has been that willingness for me. It's allowed me to see what happens when I eat what my body NEEDS and not what my mind and emotions want. It's allowed me to readjust my taste buds, so I no longer crave heavy sauces, fatty snacks, and candy. That kind of diet led to consistent food comas and worse feelings about myself. I became willing to say "I need help because I don't feel able to do this on my own!" Most of all, I had to be willing to be an active participant in my life, instead of numbing out with food. It allowed me to stop hiding behind my body weight and stop using it as an excuse to flow with life.


The biggest lesson has been to enjoy my life as I have it now and not "If I weighed 160 pounds, then my life would be happy, easy, carefree." That is not based in reality. It's some half-cocked notion that I lived a great deal of my life in, until a few years ago. When I do weigh 160 pounds (or 170, whichever), I will still be me. It's not as if I will wake up that morning that the scale reads the number I want and, magically, all my problems will disappear. That kind of thing ONLY happens in movies and fairy tales.


Enjoy the journey because life is a marathon and not a sprint. If you don't remember the hard stuff, you will take it for granted. It's the hard moments when we learn the most from...


Laura

Here's what I don't like the most

I think the thing I most hate about the MS is that it requires me to be vulnerable. MS has forced me to recognize that I am incapable of doing everything (I know, this is irrational) myself. It requires me to depend on other people and trust that they can do it (this is not a strength of mine). It asks me to listen to myself and take a rest instead of just pushing through it.

I have 'zombied' (not a real word, but it is for the sake of this post) through life, pushing through the physical and emotional pain, and putting myself on the back burner. I would drop everything I was doing to help (more like rescue) my friends and family. I have high expectations of my friends, so when they wouldn't do the same for me, I would become enraged at them. Upon further internal exploration, I would find I was more mad at myself for sacrificing so much of myself for those I loved. Don't get me wrong, I loved doing what I did, but I ignored so much of my wants and needs that I became resentful. Resentful of myself.

Having MS has forced me to allow (make sense?) myself to be vulnerable by asking for help and setting boundaries regarding what I can and cannot do. I think I've really pissed some people off in my life because of this too. I'm no longer apt to drop everything to run to my friends and family. I put responsibility (which is very healthy to do this-what I was doing was enabling) back on them to help solve their own predicaments. I've had to tell people 'no' over and over again because some times I am just too damned tired to go out or to feel any more emotionally drained. Although change is 'good', change can also be painful because some times you are forced to acknowledge those things that you tried to ignore for so long.

I now have to face all those things I tried to ignore for so long. I won't stuff my feelings any more. I refuse to lead a life based in shame and living up to other people's standards. More importantly, I will no longer lead my life comparing myself to others. I want a joy filled life that focuses on all that I have now because of the MS. Not what I feel I lost because of the diagnosis.

May you find your joy in life and leave behind the shame. Remember, it's a process, not an event.
L