MS is one of those diseases that kinda sneaks up on you. Take today, for instance. My symptoms in my right side have been pretty wonky, but I expect that because I am hormonal (MS goes crazy before your period). As I'm driving tonight, I notice that now my right calf is trembling as I accelerate or brake. Great. What the hell does that mean? Is my medication not working? Is my disease progressing? AM I GONNA BE ABLE TO WALK TOMORROW? That's pretty much how quickly my mind starts going. No matter how many people I have around me, no one knows what this is like, unless you have MS yourself.
I know I should be grateful that I don't have a terminal illness. I know I shouldn't be scared. I know I shouldn't think too far into the future. Guess what? I'm NOT grateful that I don't have something worse!! As far as I'm concerned, God can have this stupid disease back because I sure as hell don't want it! I'm freaking scared almost all the time of how the hell this disease is going to progress and how big of a fucking burden I'm going to be to my husband and family. I'm scared as hell that I won't be able to care for myself, let alone my child (when we have one). I'm scared as hell that I'm going to pass this disease on to them (I understand there's no proven genetic link, but it still is something I have to think about). This is one reason why I contemplated only having one child because I don't know what's going to happen.
The reality is, no one knows either. I hate how MS has made me so very skeptical of everything. My belief in God, my faith in my doctors, my belief in my own ability to heal. I just want to go on and live my life MS-free. I want to be free of this worry. I want to stop living in fear of my own body. I want to live up to the very positivity I preach to the clients I work with.
For now, I am sad and angry. Sad and angry. Quite a combination?
L
Showing posts with label MS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MS. Show all posts
Friday, February 11, 2011
Monday, November 29, 2010
Here's what I don't like the most
I think the thing I most hate about the MS is that it requires me to be vulnerable. MS has forced me to recognize that I am incapable of doing everything (I know, this is irrational) myself. It requires me to depend on other people and trust that they can do it (this is not a strength of mine). It asks me to listen to myself and take a rest instead of just pushing through it.
I have 'zombied' (not a real word, but it is for the sake of this post) through life, pushing through the physical and emotional pain, and putting myself on the back burner. I would drop everything I was doing to help (more like rescue) my friends and family. I have high expectations of my friends, so when they wouldn't do the same for me, I would become enraged at them. Upon further internal exploration, I would find I was more mad at myself for sacrificing so much of myself for those I loved. Don't get me wrong, I loved doing what I did, but I ignored so much of my wants and needs that I became resentful. Resentful of myself.
Having MS has forced me to allow (make sense?) myself to be vulnerable by asking for help and setting boundaries regarding what I can and cannot do. I think I've really pissed some people off in my life because of this too. I'm no longer apt to drop everything to run to my friends and family. I put responsibility (which is very healthy to do this-what I was doing was enabling) back on them to help solve their own predicaments. I've had to tell people 'no' over and over again because some times I am just too damned tired to go out or to feel any more emotionally drained. Although change is 'good', change can also be painful because some times you are forced to acknowledge those things that you tried to ignore for so long.
I now have to face all those things I tried to ignore for so long. I won't stuff my feelings any more. I refuse to lead a life based in shame and living up to other people's standards. More importantly, I will no longer lead my life comparing myself to others. I want a joy filled life that focuses on all that I have now because of the MS. Not what I feel I lost because of the diagnosis.
May you find your joy in life and leave behind the shame. Remember, it's a process, not an event.
L
I have 'zombied' (not a real word, but it is for the sake of this post) through life, pushing through the physical and emotional pain, and putting myself on the back burner. I would drop everything I was doing to help (more like rescue) my friends and family. I have high expectations of my friends, so when they wouldn't do the same for me, I would become enraged at them. Upon further internal exploration, I would find I was more mad at myself for sacrificing so much of myself for those I loved. Don't get me wrong, I loved doing what I did, but I ignored so much of my wants and needs that I became resentful. Resentful of myself.
Having MS has forced me to allow (make sense?) myself to be vulnerable by asking for help and setting boundaries regarding what I can and cannot do. I think I've really pissed some people off in my life because of this too. I'm no longer apt to drop everything to run to my friends and family. I put responsibility (which is very healthy to do this-what I was doing was enabling) back on them to help solve their own predicaments. I've had to tell people 'no' over and over again because some times I am just too damned tired to go out or to feel any more emotionally drained. Although change is 'good', change can also be painful because some times you are forced to acknowledge those things that you tried to ignore for so long.
I now have to face all those things I tried to ignore for so long. I won't stuff my feelings any more. I refuse to lead a life based in shame and living up to other people's standards. More importantly, I will no longer lead my life comparing myself to others. I want a joy filled life that focuses on all that I have now because of the MS. Not what I feel I lost because of the diagnosis.
May you find your joy in life and leave behind the shame. Remember, it's a process, not an event.
L
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