How you do anything is how you do everything

I think we can all agree that as we lose weight, we start to feel better about ourselves and have more confidence. What I've noticed in my own journey is, I got so caught up in the weight loss that, if I'd gain, my world was crushed. This led to feelings of depression, withdrawal from people, and then I got the 'f*@k its.' The f-its go a little like this: "Well, I already 'cheated' today. F-it. I'll go eat my body weight in Ben & Jerrys." In that context most people can relate. I was an 'all or nothing' kinda gal.


My self-worth became dependent on how much weight I lost and how many times I went to the gym that week. I was so shame-based with my body image and weight loss. I was terrified (literally) of gaining back weight, but I would do things that did just that (i.e., eating my body weight in ice cream, not exercising, etc.).


I have so much anxiety around food, which is why I like Medifast b/c it takes the guesswork out of it. I am someone who NEEDS structure to their food intake. I've become a lot more aware of mindless eating, eating as a result of boredom, eating b/c I'm thirsty, and eating b/c I am feeling sad or ashamed. Shame is my 'achilles heal.' Shame is an emotion everyone feels, but no one wants to talk about. I suspect many of you have experienced shame as a result of being overweight? Maybe you heard things like: "Why can't you just stop eating (insert food)?" "What's wrong with you?" "It's a simple matter of calories in and calories out!" (if that were true, our eating/weight problems would not be as prevalent as they are). Here's the big reality: Shame has NEVER motivated someone to implement lasting change. For some, it may in the beginning, but you can't keep up that same work based out of shame. However, our culture uses shame to motivate in so many ways (think things like politics, religion, parenting, relationships, etc.).


I have had to cultivate a willingness to make changes. I used to be willful (meaning, knowing what you need to do to be effective and NOT doing it) and then realized how that was setting me up for failure. MF has been that willingness for me. It's allowed me to see what happens when I eat what my body NEEDS and not what my mind and emotions want. It's allowed me to readjust my taste buds, so I no longer crave heavy sauces, fatty snacks, and candy. That kind of diet led to consistent food comas and worse feelings about myself. I became willing to say "I need help because I don't feel able to do this on my own!" Most of all, I had to be willing to be an active participant in my life, instead of numbing out with food. It allowed me to stop hiding behind my body weight and stop using it as an excuse to flow with life.


The biggest lesson has been to enjoy my life as I have it now and not "If I weighed 160 pounds, then my life would be happy, easy, carefree." That is not based in reality. It's some half-cocked notion that I lived a great deal of my life in, until a few years ago. When I do weigh 160 pounds (or 170, whichever), I will still be me. It's not as if I will wake up that morning that the scale reads the number I want and, magically, all my problems will disappear. That kind of thing ONLY happens in movies and fairy tales.


Enjoy the journey because life is a marathon and not a sprint. If you don't remember the hard stuff, you will take it for granted. It's the hard moments when we learn the most from...


Laura

Is there really a reason for everything?

I've been trying to think of why I got MS when I did or why I did. I don't think anyone ever strives to have an incurable disease in their life, but it's what life handed me. When I read different things about MS, there's one thing we all have in common: we did too much for everyone else and didn't take care of ourselves (or 'took care of ourselves' in really bad ways).

I got the diagnosis at one of the lowest points in my life. In December of 2008, I was rear ended by someone who rushed through a yellow light. Little did I know that day, that things would rapidly spiral downward. Approximately 6 days later, I was laid off from a job that I truly enjoyed, just before Christmas. In February, while still unemployed and trying to keep everything 'together', I woke up to drag my depressed butt to the gym and walked out to a Jeep that had been broken into. I remember looking up to the sky and saying to God "Is there anything else you would like to throw my way right now?" Be careful what you ask for. I awoke a few days later to a leg that I thought I had slept on wrong. It kinda felt like your limbs do when they start to fall asleep. It was slightly cold feeling and numb and tingling. I honestly thought I had a pinched nerve from the accident. Long story short: an MRI and spinal tap later and I had the diagnosis staring me in the face.

Over the next year, I spent my life in a very high stress job in which I doubted my abilities nearly every day. I have never cried so much in my life. I remember in college I had a professor that told us that if we wanted to learn the most, put ourselves working with the most difficult population we can find. He told that class that, after doing that, everything else you do will be easy from there on out. I did that and I threw myself in it. I don't regret the choice I made to take that job and stay there because I learned a lot about myself as a counselor and how to set boundaries with friends and family. However, I was emotionally and physically exhausted all the time. The high stress took a toll on me and the MS. I had to quit, for the sake of my sanity and my relationships.

My first attempt at medication pretty much sucked. I was on one that I took daily, which was a constant reminder of the MS. Not to mention HORRIBLE injection site reactions. It was as if I had 7 mosquito bites on my body at any given time. I itched them so much I would do it in my sleep and they would bruise. That medication did not do as well as it should have and I am now taking one that I truly don't mind. I take it weekly and the side affects are much more manageable. It's nice to not loathe the medication that is supposed to be helping improve the progression of a disease that is incurable.

I have now moved on to a job that is significantly less stressful and that I feel very effective at. I don't always like going to work all the time, but I am happy when I am there. My veil of depression has lifted, at least for now (depression is a side affect of MS-gee, I wonder why?). There are so many things I am thankful for, but even better, I can recognize those things I am thankful for.

It's hard to see the forest from the trees when you are in the thick of things, no?

Blessings,
L