MS is one of those diseases that kinda sneaks up on you. Take today, for instance. My symptoms in my right side have been pretty wonky, but I expect that because I am hormonal (MS goes crazy before your period). As I'm driving tonight, I notice that now my right calf is trembling as I accelerate or brake. Great. What the hell does that mean? Is my medication not working? Is my disease progressing? AM I GONNA BE ABLE TO WALK TOMORROW? That's pretty much how quickly my mind starts going. No matter how many people I have around me, no one knows what this is like, unless you have MS yourself.
I know I should be grateful that I don't have a terminal illness. I know I shouldn't be scared. I know I shouldn't think too far into the future. Guess what? I'm NOT grateful that I don't have something worse!! As far as I'm concerned, God can have this stupid disease back because I sure as hell don't want it! I'm freaking scared almost all the time of how the hell this disease is going to progress and how big of a fucking burden I'm going to be to my husband and family. I'm scared as hell that I won't be able to care for myself, let alone my child (when we have one). I'm scared as hell that I'm going to pass this disease on to them (I understand there's no proven genetic link, but it still is something I have to think about). This is one reason why I contemplated only having one child because I don't know what's going to happen.
The reality is, no one knows either. I hate how MS has made me so very skeptical of everything. My belief in God, my faith in my doctors, my belief in my own ability to heal. I just want to go on and live my life MS-free. I want to be free of this worry. I want to stop living in fear of my own body. I want to live up to the very positivity I preach to the clients I work with.
For now, I am sad and angry. Sad and angry. Quite a combination?
L
Friday, February 11, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Am I ready?
I was fortunate enough to spend this past Sunday night at my good friend Amy's house with her DH and 2 beautiful (and excitable) children during the Superbowl. I'm not much of a football kinda gal, or any sports for that matter. I decided I would plan ahead by bringing 2 very important things with me: 1) A bottle of wine and 2) my knitting. I figured the wine would keep me entertained and the knitting would keep my hands busy (and away from eating my body weight in food). Amy's darling daughter took an interest in my knitting, asking all the wonderful questions a child her age does. She then wanted to know if she could help me. Of course she can!!
Now, I have always thought that I am great with kids and do want to have my own some day. Key words 'some day.' My career/school has always come first and my main priority, as of late, has been to gain some financial security before trying to put another beings life before mine. The more people have asked me when we are going to have kids, the more I've pushed it away. I'm kinda defiant like that and pretty much have been my whole life. The more you want me to do something, the less likely I am to do it. I don't think it's an only child thing, it's just a part of who I am.
So, getting back to Sunday. Amy's little darling sat in my lap for the better part of an hour and I taught her to knit (as much as her elf hands could help anyways). I can honestly say this is the most fun (sorry hubster) I have had in quite some time. On the way home, I recalled, with a big ole grin on my face, how just spending that time with her reinvigorated me. Is this what has been missing in my life now? Is this why I've been feeling so restless these past few years?
The fella and I still have a wedding to finish this October, so no pregnancy right now. The MS complicates some things, but it just requires more deliberate planning on our part. I don't know what the future will bring, but I am sure it will include children for us. I will be blessed with whatever we are given. I'm not sure how I will do with being a mom and balancing my health with working and parenting, but I do know my husband and family will be right by my side. I am confident I can do this, that we can do this. Parenting is scary stuff, but I know it will be worth it in the end.
Now, I have always thought that I am great with kids and do want to have my own some day. Key words 'some day.' My career/school has always come first and my main priority, as of late, has been to gain some financial security before trying to put another beings life before mine. The more people have asked me when we are going to have kids, the more I've pushed it away. I'm kinda defiant like that and pretty much have been my whole life. The more you want me to do something, the less likely I am to do it. I don't think it's an only child thing, it's just a part of who I am.
So, getting back to Sunday. Amy's little darling sat in my lap for the better part of an hour and I taught her to knit (as much as her elf hands could help anyways). I can honestly say this is the most fun (sorry hubster) I have had in quite some time. On the way home, I recalled, with a big ole grin on my face, how just spending that time with her reinvigorated me. Is this what has been missing in my life now? Is this why I've been feeling so restless these past few years?
The fella and I still have a wedding to finish this October, so no pregnancy right now. The MS complicates some things, but it just requires more deliberate planning on our part. I don't know what the future will bring, but I am sure it will include children for us. I will be blessed with whatever we are given. I'm not sure how I will do with being a mom and balancing my health with working and parenting, but I do know my husband and family will be right by my side. I am confident I can do this, that we can do this. Parenting is scary stuff, but I know it will be worth it in the end.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Kicked in the Gut
I recently discovered that (what I had thought) was a very good friend of mine unfriended me on Facebook (gotta love the new technology). I don't even know why this happened. Sure, I can speculate on why it happened, but there was no explanation. I feel like I was slapped in the face, from behind, while blindfolded.
I really struggle in letting relationships go. I attribute this to a biological father who never followed through with promises and, eventually, vacated my life completely by the time I was in elementary school. Regardless, it's hard for me to 'just get over it' and move on with my life, as many might suggest I do. I was under the impression that a 10 year friendship deserved more than an 'unfriending' on Facebook.
Maybe part of me also believed that I was immune to the game playing that can come along in different friendships. I thought I was somehow special in that respect. I saw the patterns and I should have known better. The optimist (or emotional masochist, whichever you prefer) in me believes in the very best of people, no matter what the past misdeeds are.
I think the real heart of all this is that this entire situation is that it triggers shame in me. Shame in that maybe I was a bad friend and deserved this, shame in that I should have done more to save the friendship, shame in that maybe I should have apologized more. These reasonings are all things that the old Laura would have done. This entire experience with the friend would trigger a huge shame cycle and away I would have gone with that. The reality is, I did what I could or what I felt was in my control to do. I did apologize once. A single apology is all that is needed, assuming it's done right. I like to think I did do it right and I'm not going to grovel. Either you accept the apology and we move forward or you stay stuck in the pain. Your choice.
This leads into another point: being that I am a licensed counselor, people naturally turn to me for feedback. I have to be really mindful to take my counselor hat off and put my friend hat in place. With this friendship I provided this person with a lot of counseling and I feel used. The last phone conversation we had involved a crisis in which I helped bring logic into the situation, as well as providing professional protocol and resourcing. Where I think I could have done better was to ask which perspective was wanted, instead of assuming it was the counselor position. Life lesson #34, 897 learned: ask instead of assuming. You would think, being a counselor, I would do this automatically. Alas, I am human and make mistakes. I'm not so great at counseling myself, hence the reason I have my own therapist. Maybe this person had higher expectations of me because I'm a therapist and should know better? I'm on this Earth for the same reason everyone else is: to live, learn, make mistakes, and make better choices the next time around.
I don't know what is to become of this. I hurt and hopefully, as time goes on, the pain and sadness will subside. I have to think about what I will take away from this experience and what I choose to leave behind me.
L
I really struggle in letting relationships go. I attribute this to a biological father who never followed through with promises and, eventually, vacated my life completely by the time I was in elementary school. Regardless, it's hard for me to 'just get over it' and move on with my life, as many might suggest I do. I was under the impression that a 10 year friendship deserved more than an 'unfriending' on Facebook.
Maybe part of me also believed that I was immune to the game playing that can come along in different friendships. I thought I was somehow special in that respect. I saw the patterns and I should have known better. The optimist (or emotional masochist, whichever you prefer) in me believes in the very best of people, no matter what the past misdeeds are.
I think the real heart of all this is that this entire situation is that it triggers shame in me. Shame in that maybe I was a bad friend and deserved this, shame in that I should have done more to save the friendship, shame in that maybe I should have apologized more. These reasonings are all things that the old Laura would have done. This entire experience with the friend would trigger a huge shame cycle and away I would have gone with that. The reality is, I did what I could or what I felt was in my control to do. I did apologize once. A single apology is all that is needed, assuming it's done right. I like to think I did do it right and I'm not going to grovel. Either you accept the apology and we move forward or you stay stuck in the pain. Your choice.
This leads into another point: being that I am a licensed counselor, people naturally turn to me for feedback. I have to be really mindful to take my counselor hat off and put my friend hat in place. With this friendship I provided this person with a lot of counseling and I feel used. The last phone conversation we had involved a crisis in which I helped bring logic into the situation, as well as providing professional protocol and resourcing. Where I think I could have done better was to ask which perspective was wanted, instead of assuming it was the counselor position. Life lesson #34, 897 learned: ask instead of assuming. You would think, being a counselor, I would do this automatically. Alas, I am human and make mistakes. I'm not so great at counseling myself, hence the reason I have my own therapist. Maybe this person had higher expectations of me because I'm a therapist and should know better? I'm on this Earth for the same reason everyone else is: to live, learn, make mistakes, and make better choices the next time around.
I don't know what is to become of this. I hurt and hopefully, as time goes on, the pain and sadness will subside. I have to think about what I will take away from this experience and what I choose to leave behind me.
L
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
How you do anything is how you do everything
I think we can all agree that as we lose weight, we start to feel better about ourselves and have more confidence. What I've noticed in my own journey is, I got so caught up in the weight loss that, if I'd gain, my world was crushed. This led to feelings of depression, withdrawal from people, and then I got the 'f*@k its.' The f-its go a little like this: "Well, I already 'cheated' today. F-it. I'll go eat my body weight in Ben & Jerrys." In that context most people can relate. I was an 'all or nothing' kinda gal.
My self-worth became dependent on how much weight I lost and how many times I went to the gym that week. I was so shame-based with my body image and weight loss. I was terrified (literally) of gaining back weight, but I would do things that did just that (i.e., eating my body weight in ice cream, not exercising, etc.).
I have so much anxiety around food, which is why I like Medifast b/c it takes the guesswork out of it. I am someone who NEEDS structure to their food intake. I've become a lot more aware of mindless eating, eating as a result of boredom, eating b/c I'm thirsty, and eating b/c I am feeling sad or ashamed. Shame is my 'achilles heal.' Shame is an emotion everyone feels, but no one wants to talk about. I suspect many of you have experienced shame as a result of being overweight? Maybe you heard things like: "Why can't you just stop eating (insert food)?" "What's wrong with you?" "It's a simple matter of calories in and calories out!" (if that were true, our eating/weight problems would not be as prevalent as they are). Here's the big reality: Shame has NEVER motivated someone to implement lasting change. For some, it may in the beginning, but you can't keep up that same work based out of shame. However, our culture uses shame to motivate in so many ways (think things like politics, religion, parenting, relationships, etc.).
I have had to cultivate a willingness to make changes. I used to be willful (meaning, knowing what you need to do to be effective and NOT doing it) and then realized how that was setting me up for failure. MF has been that willingness for me. It's allowed me to see what happens when I eat what my body NEEDS and not what my mind and emotions want. It's allowed me to readjust my taste buds, so I no longer crave heavy sauces, fatty snacks, and candy. That kind of diet led to consistent food comas and worse feelings about myself. I became willing to say "I need help because I don't feel able to do this on my own!" Most of all, I had to be willing to be an active participant in my life, instead of numbing out with food. It allowed me to stop hiding behind my body weight and stop using it as an excuse to flow with life.
The biggest lesson has been to enjoy my life as I have it now and not "If I weighed 160 pounds, then my life would be happy, easy, carefree." That is not based in reality. It's some half-cocked notion that I lived a great deal of my life in, until a few years ago. When I do weigh 160 pounds (or 170, whichever), I will still be me. It's not as if I will wake up that morning that the scale reads the number I want and, magically, all my problems will disappear. That kind of thing ONLY happens in movies and fairy tales.
Enjoy the journey because life is a marathon and not a sprint. If you don't remember the hard stuff, you will take it for granted. It's the hard moments when we learn the most from...
Laura
My self-worth became dependent on how much weight I lost and how many times I went to the gym that week. I was so shame-based with my body image and weight loss. I was terrified (literally) of gaining back weight, but I would do things that did just that (i.e., eating my body weight in ice cream, not exercising, etc.).
I have so much anxiety around food, which is why I like Medifast b/c it takes the guesswork out of it. I am someone who NEEDS structure to their food intake. I've become a lot more aware of mindless eating, eating as a result of boredom, eating b/c I'm thirsty, and eating b/c I am feeling sad or ashamed. Shame is my 'achilles heal.' Shame is an emotion everyone feels, but no one wants to talk about. I suspect many of you have experienced shame as a result of being overweight? Maybe you heard things like: "Why can't you just stop eating (insert food)?" "What's wrong with you?" "It's a simple matter of calories in and calories out!" (if that were true, our eating/weight problems would not be as prevalent as they are). Here's the big reality: Shame has NEVER motivated someone to implement lasting change. For some, it may in the beginning, but you can't keep up that same work based out of shame. However, our culture uses shame to motivate in so many ways (think things like politics, religion, parenting, relationships, etc.).
I have had to cultivate a willingness to make changes. I used to be willful (meaning, knowing what you need to do to be effective and NOT doing it) and then realized how that was setting me up for failure. MF has been that willingness for me. It's allowed me to see what happens when I eat what my body NEEDS and not what my mind and emotions want. It's allowed me to readjust my taste buds, so I no longer crave heavy sauces, fatty snacks, and candy. That kind of diet led to consistent food comas and worse feelings about myself. I became willing to say "I need help because I don't feel able to do this on my own!" Most of all, I had to be willing to be an active participant in my life, instead of numbing out with food. It allowed me to stop hiding behind my body weight and stop using it as an excuse to flow with life.
The biggest lesson has been to enjoy my life as I have it now and not "If I weighed 160 pounds, then my life would be happy, easy, carefree." That is not based in reality. It's some half-cocked notion that I lived a great deal of my life in, until a few years ago. When I do weigh 160 pounds (or 170, whichever), I will still be me. It's not as if I will wake up that morning that the scale reads the number I want and, magically, all my problems will disappear. That kind of thing ONLY happens in movies and fairy tales.
Enjoy the journey because life is a marathon and not a sprint. If you don't remember the hard stuff, you will take it for granted. It's the hard moments when we learn the most from...
Laura
DBT?
You may wonder what DBT stands for? DBT stands for Dialectical (not Diabolical) Behavior Therapy and it is a cognitive behavioral therapy created by *Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. (she is my idol!). I was fortunate enough to be introduced to this theory at my first job out of my Masters. I was trained under her protocol that she uses and was blessed enough to meet her in person!!
DBT blends eastern practices of mindfulness with skills training. Clients learn skills such as Emotion Regulation, Impulse Control, and Interpersonal Effectiveness. The core of this program is teaching people to "Create a life worth living." Her theory is pretty amazing stuff!!
If followed in true form, DBT is a year long commitment. Clients participate in weekly individual sessions (skill practice) and group sessions (learning skills). You go through the program twice in that year because it can be a bit overwhelming the first time through. However, once you have the 'light bulb' moment, nothing in your life will EVER be the same. You can't undo or take away the awareness you have now learned.
So, why do I bring this up on a blog for Medifast? Take Shape for Life, in conjunction with Medifast, are all about creating healthy lifestyles. It's not JUST about losing the weight. It's about creating healthy habits to adapt into the rest of your life. DBT is all about creating a life worth living. Teaching people new skills to improve their life through addressing self-esteem, setting healthy boundaries with others, and allowing them to see life can be better.
Many people use food as a coping mechanism for unpleasant feelings, such as fear, sadness, anxiety, and guilt or shame. Most people, when they lose their primary coping skill, begin to supplement with another coping skill, be it positive or negative. DBT is just one of many counseling theories that is effective at addressing life issues. It is by no means the only way. It is the way I was trained, which is why I write about it. I think it's a pretty fantastic theory and I am passionate about sharing it with others, just as I am passionate about Medifast and being a Health Coach. I want to help people improve their life, no matter what that improvement may be.
What I can speak to, is how DBT has helped me in my own weight loss journey, my life, and my outlook on my future. I honestly don't know where I would be without my skill-base from this training. I am more aware of my emotions, how they feel in my body, and judgments and choices I make. I can combat my emotional impulses with logic and talk myself out of negative downward spirals. It has truly helped me stay on track with choosing a healthier lifestyle for myself. However, this is only my personal experience with DBT. As all methods, individual results may vary.
(I personally think DBT should be taught to adolescents/teenagers in every school across the country, but what do I know.)
How have you taken a step to 'create a life worth living?'
Laura
PS-If you are interested in learning more about DBT and want to see if there is a trained facilitator in your area, go to www.behavioraltech.com and you can search for a clinician there.
*I have not been compensated by Dr. Linehan, or her affiliates, for my mentioning her in my blog.
DBT blends eastern practices of mindfulness with skills training. Clients learn skills such as Emotion Regulation, Impulse Control, and Interpersonal Effectiveness. The core of this program is teaching people to "Create a life worth living." Her theory is pretty amazing stuff!!
If followed in true form, DBT is a year long commitment. Clients participate in weekly individual sessions (skill practice) and group sessions (learning skills). You go through the program twice in that year because it can be a bit overwhelming the first time through. However, once you have the 'light bulb' moment, nothing in your life will EVER be the same. You can't undo or take away the awareness you have now learned.
So, why do I bring this up on a blog for Medifast? Take Shape for Life, in conjunction with Medifast, are all about creating healthy lifestyles. It's not JUST about losing the weight. It's about creating healthy habits to adapt into the rest of your life. DBT is all about creating a life worth living. Teaching people new skills to improve their life through addressing self-esteem, setting healthy boundaries with others, and allowing them to see life can be better.
Many people use food as a coping mechanism for unpleasant feelings, such as fear, sadness, anxiety, and guilt or shame. Most people, when they lose their primary coping skill, begin to supplement with another coping skill, be it positive or negative. DBT is just one of many counseling theories that is effective at addressing life issues. It is by no means the only way. It is the way I was trained, which is why I write about it. I think it's a pretty fantastic theory and I am passionate about sharing it with others, just as I am passionate about Medifast and being a Health Coach. I want to help people improve their life, no matter what that improvement may be.
What I can speak to, is how DBT has helped me in my own weight loss journey, my life, and my outlook on my future. I honestly don't know where I would be without my skill-base from this training. I am more aware of my emotions, how they feel in my body, and judgments and choices I make. I can combat my emotional impulses with logic and talk myself out of negative downward spirals. It has truly helped me stay on track with choosing a healthier lifestyle for myself. However, this is only my personal experience with DBT. As all methods, individual results may vary.
(I personally think DBT should be taught to adolescents/teenagers in every school across the country, but what do I know.)
How have you taken a step to 'create a life worth living?'
Laura
PS-If you are interested in learning more about DBT and want to see if there is a trained facilitator in your area, go to www.behavioraltech.com and you can search for a clinician there.
*I have not been compensated by Dr. Linehan, or her affiliates, for my mentioning her in my blog.
What Medifast Has Taught Me
I have tried nearly every diet in the book. And every diet in the book set me up for failure. It's not that their product or technique didn't work, it just didn't work FOR ME. I remember when I first went on Medifast. I had no confidence in myself (or the diet for that matter), I was severely depressed b/c I was miserable and lonely. I had basically crawled into myself and wanted to hibernate the rest of my life away. I was using food to numb out all these feelings that I didn't want to experience. I have used food most my life when I'm happy, sad, mad, or scared. I suspect many of you can relate?
What Medifast allowed me to do was see that I have choices in my life. No matter what the circumstance, there are always choices and there are always natural consequences. After I started losing weight, I started to have more confidence in myself (and the program). I started to say 'no' to people and 'yes' to my life. I'm pretty sure I have angered some people along the way, but that happens when you stand up for yourself and start setting boundaries.
I learned that I am beautiful and worthy of having love. I learned that I am good enough. I don't have to be perfect. "Perfection" is a word that sets people up for failure (I also think "normal" is as well). I can be me and I can make mistakes while being me. I now give myself permission to take time out for self-care (i.e, exercise, massage, acupuncture, etc.). I realize that I HAVE to put myself first, but not in a self-centered, narcissistic way. I have become 'self-focused' in order to love myself and be a healthy wife, daughter, friend, cousin, therapist, and eventually mother (some day).
I have learned so much these past few years. I have been tested over and over again, to brink of insanity sometimes. My clients teach me the most though. Just when I think I've had enough, I hear their stories of survival from some pretty awful trauma. I think, "If they can do it, I can do it." Living my life (and I mean LIVING, not EXISTING) is a choice I make each day when I wake up.
What do you choose for yourself today?
Blessings on your journey to finding your happiness and who you are,
Laura
What Medifast allowed me to do was see that I have choices in my life. No matter what the circumstance, there are always choices and there are always natural consequences. After I started losing weight, I started to have more confidence in myself (and the program). I started to say 'no' to people and 'yes' to my life. I'm pretty sure I have angered some people along the way, but that happens when you stand up for yourself and start setting boundaries.
I learned that I am beautiful and worthy of having love. I learned that I am good enough. I don't have to be perfect. "Perfection" is a word that sets people up for failure (I also think "normal" is as well). I can be me and I can make mistakes while being me. I now give myself permission to take time out for self-care (i.e, exercise, massage, acupuncture, etc.). I realize that I HAVE to put myself first, but not in a self-centered, narcissistic way. I have become 'self-focused' in order to love myself and be a healthy wife, daughter, friend, cousin, therapist, and eventually mother (some day).
I have learned so much these past few years. I have been tested over and over again, to brink of insanity sometimes. My clients teach me the most though. Just when I think I've had enough, I hear their stories of survival from some pretty awful trauma. I think, "If they can do it, I can do it." Living my life (and I mean LIVING, not EXISTING) is a choice I make each day when I wake up.
What do you choose for yourself today?
Blessings on your journey to finding your happiness and who you are,
Laura
Monday, November 29, 2010
Here's what I don't like the most
I think the thing I most hate about the MS is that it requires me to be vulnerable. MS has forced me to recognize that I am incapable of doing everything (I know, this is irrational) myself. It requires me to depend on other people and trust that they can do it (this is not a strength of mine). It asks me to listen to myself and take a rest instead of just pushing through it.
I have 'zombied' (not a real word, but it is for the sake of this post) through life, pushing through the physical and emotional pain, and putting myself on the back burner. I would drop everything I was doing to help (more like rescue) my friends and family. I have high expectations of my friends, so when they wouldn't do the same for me, I would become enraged at them. Upon further internal exploration, I would find I was more mad at myself for sacrificing so much of myself for those I loved. Don't get me wrong, I loved doing what I did, but I ignored so much of my wants and needs that I became resentful. Resentful of myself.
Having MS has forced me to allow (make sense?) myself to be vulnerable by asking for help and setting boundaries regarding what I can and cannot do. I think I've really pissed some people off in my life because of this too. I'm no longer apt to drop everything to run to my friends and family. I put responsibility (which is very healthy to do this-what I was doing was enabling) back on them to help solve their own predicaments. I've had to tell people 'no' over and over again because some times I am just too damned tired to go out or to feel any more emotionally drained. Although change is 'good', change can also be painful because some times you are forced to acknowledge those things that you tried to ignore for so long.
I now have to face all those things I tried to ignore for so long. I won't stuff my feelings any more. I refuse to lead a life based in shame and living up to other people's standards. More importantly, I will no longer lead my life comparing myself to others. I want a joy filled life that focuses on all that I have now because of the MS. Not what I feel I lost because of the diagnosis.
May you find your joy in life and leave behind the shame. Remember, it's a process, not an event.
L
I have 'zombied' (not a real word, but it is for the sake of this post) through life, pushing through the physical and emotional pain, and putting myself on the back burner. I would drop everything I was doing to help (more like rescue) my friends and family. I have high expectations of my friends, so when they wouldn't do the same for me, I would become enraged at them. Upon further internal exploration, I would find I was more mad at myself for sacrificing so much of myself for those I loved. Don't get me wrong, I loved doing what I did, but I ignored so much of my wants and needs that I became resentful. Resentful of myself.
Having MS has forced me to allow (make sense?) myself to be vulnerable by asking for help and setting boundaries regarding what I can and cannot do. I think I've really pissed some people off in my life because of this too. I'm no longer apt to drop everything to run to my friends and family. I put responsibility (which is very healthy to do this-what I was doing was enabling) back on them to help solve their own predicaments. I've had to tell people 'no' over and over again because some times I am just too damned tired to go out or to feel any more emotionally drained. Although change is 'good', change can also be painful because some times you are forced to acknowledge those things that you tried to ignore for so long.
I now have to face all those things I tried to ignore for so long. I won't stuff my feelings any more. I refuse to lead a life based in shame and living up to other people's standards. More importantly, I will no longer lead my life comparing myself to others. I want a joy filled life that focuses on all that I have now because of the MS. Not what I feel I lost because of the diagnosis.
May you find your joy in life and leave behind the shame. Remember, it's a process, not an event.
L
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