Is there really a reason for everything?

I've been trying to think of why I got MS when I did or why I did. I don't think anyone ever strives to have an incurable disease in their life, but it's what life handed me. When I read different things about MS, there's one thing we all have in common: we did too much for everyone else and didn't take care of ourselves (or 'took care of ourselves' in really bad ways).

I got the diagnosis at one of the lowest points in my life. In December of 2008, I was rear ended by someone who rushed through a yellow light. Little did I know that day, that things would rapidly spiral downward. Approximately 6 days later, I was laid off from a job that I truly enjoyed, just before Christmas. In February, while still unemployed and trying to keep everything 'together', I woke up to drag my depressed butt to the gym and walked out to a Jeep that had been broken into. I remember looking up to the sky and saying to God "Is there anything else you would like to throw my way right now?" Be careful what you ask for. I awoke a few days later to a leg that I thought I had slept on wrong. It kinda felt like your limbs do when they start to fall asleep. It was slightly cold feeling and numb and tingling. I honestly thought I had a pinched nerve from the accident. Long story short: an MRI and spinal tap later and I had the diagnosis staring me in the face.

Over the next year, I spent my life in a very high stress job in which I doubted my abilities nearly every day. I have never cried so much in my life. I remember in college I had a professor that told us that if we wanted to learn the most, put ourselves working with the most difficult population we can find. He told that class that, after doing that, everything else you do will be easy from there on out. I did that and I threw myself in it. I don't regret the choice I made to take that job and stay there because I learned a lot about myself as a counselor and how to set boundaries with friends and family. However, I was emotionally and physically exhausted all the time. The high stress took a toll on me and the MS. I had to quit, for the sake of my sanity and my relationships.

My first attempt at medication pretty much sucked. I was on one that I took daily, which was a constant reminder of the MS. Not to mention HORRIBLE injection site reactions. It was as if I had 7 mosquito bites on my body at any given time. I itched them so much I would do it in my sleep and they would bruise. That medication did not do as well as it should have and I am now taking one that I truly don't mind. I take it weekly and the side affects are much more manageable. It's nice to not loathe the medication that is supposed to be helping improve the progression of a disease that is incurable.

I have now moved on to a job that is significantly less stressful and that I feel very effective at. I don't always like going to work all the time, but I am happy when I am there. My veil of depression has lifted, at least for now (depression is a side affect of MS-gee, I wonder why?). There are so many things I am thankful for, but even better, I can recognize those things I am thankful for.

It's hard to see the forest from the trees when you are in the thick of things, no?

Blessings,
L

Been a long time comin'

Well, I know my original intentions were to continue to write on this blog at least once weekly. Since my last post was on August 27, that hasn't happened, now has it? I have been meaning to get on here and get some things out of my head, but haven't been able to bring myself to do it. What's been floating around in my head have been thoughts related to the MS, and I truly don't like to think of it that much. This could get messy, so do your best to keep up and I'll do my best to stay on track!

I've been thinking that I would like to refer to 'my MS' as something other than that phrase. 'My MS' is not something that I want to refer to as a friend. I'm definitely not on 'friendly' terms with this disease. I don't like to think of it as something I am fighting either because then I would be fighting against myself. I don't want to do that anymore. 'My MS' is more like something that has taken up residence in my body. I've tried to evict it and the damn thing refuses to leave!! For those of you that are landlords or ever have been, you can imagine how absolutely infuriating this is!! So, I still don't know what to refer to 'my MS' as. I was thinking of referring to 'it' as Lolita or something else ridiculous. I like to have conversations with 'my MS' from time to time, so I do find it important to put a name on 'it' or something. I don't want to be friendly with 'it', but I also don't want to personalize 'it' with 'my MS.'

For now, Lolita it will be, unless someone else has a better suggestion? I do, quite often, refer to Lolita as a pain in the ass or 'the nuisance', so these terms are interchangeable as well. :-)

Peace, love, and all things sunshine
L (not to be confused with Lolita)

An Obituary

R.I.P.
Inner Critic
May 30, 1980-August 27, 2010

Dear Inner Critic-

I know we have been together for a long while now, but I've been thinking. I believe deeply in my heart that this 'relationship' we have is no longer a good fit for me anymore. You have been my companion through so many trying times, but, quite honestly, you only made things worse! Although you have been with me the majority of my life, I will no longer tolerate the awful things you say to me. I have believed those lies for far too long and I now choose to think different thoughts. I am coming to see just how beautiful, competent, and sexy (that's right, I said it!) I am. You may have helped motivate me to become, what I thought, was a better person. However, I no longer want to hide behind the veil that you have so painstakingly created for me. I no longer define myself by the thoughts you planted in my mind. I am so much more than what you have been telling me I am. Your words are poison and my antidote is to destroy any remaining memory of you. I know you will try to creep back in my life and I will have safety measures in place.

I have so much more in my life now and it's time for you to move on. For that, I bid you goodbye once and for all. I wish I could say that I am sad to see this relationship end, but I am ready to move on from your grip. You no longer have a place in my life, which is a welcome change.

I love myself more than I have ever loved you...

L

Resurrection

Holy canoli! Has it really been since January that I last blogged?! How time flies when you are making life decisions. So much has changed in that short amount of time, so I'll try to stay on track here.

First and foremost, I am now married to the man I am proud to call my husband. We have also recently invested in a new home for ourselves, so I will be busy with that project very soon. I am no longer vegan-I missed cheese and the occasional cow way too much. I have switched my MS meds and am liking this new one much better! I quit my job I was formerly at and am now an independent contractor back at my old employers location. I have my own space and it smells delightful in my office (that was an issue at the old place-don't ask).

So, this is the beginning of a new blog, a new outlook on life, a new chapter in my life journey. I have had let relationships fall to the wayside as I was weeding my way out the mud and muck, but I have vowed to make amends to this. I have also made a commitment to myself to make me #1 and start taking better care of my physical and emotional needs. It's so easy to lose sight of yourself when you are wrapped up in your own thoughts-ironic, no? It's time to start listening to that little voice inside myself that I, for so long, ignored and tried to make even smaller.

Just like the lotus that grows in some of the worst possible environments, I too shall begin to shine again and reach out for the sun. Along the way, I will remind myself that I am good and worthy of nothing but the best in life.

Love, light, and many blessings-

L

PS-I have made a blogpact with my dear friend Amy (http://seriouslyamy.blogspot.com). Check hers out as well, if you will.

it's been a while now coming

i realized how much time had passed since i last had an entry on my virtual venting board, so i thought i have a go at it.

not much has changed. an opportunity that had presented itself did not go quite as i had hoped. i survived my first round of steroids and am not looking forward to the next 5 rounds of it. as long as it helps, i'll do it. of course i won't know that until i have my next MRI in 5 months though. hopefully it was all worth the manic behavior in the end. my fella should be home within the next 3 weeks. what was supposed to be a 70 day TDY turned into double that. however, he is separating in April, so no more flying unless he goes into the reserves.

the vegan diet continues to go well. i haven't weighed myself b/c of the steroids and then some other things, but i feel good and that's what matters most to me. i do need to get my butt to the gym. not much else. my life is drama-free and somewhat boring at times. i get enough action from work and sometimes from my friends, so i'll enjoy the quietude for now.

may you have peace within as well
L

"It is our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
~Dumbledore, Harry Potter

Dumbledore was wise beyond the pages that confined him. i truly think that this is a quote to live by. too much in life we go into things with a mindset of trying to prove oneself. however, actions speak louder than words. we've seen plenty of people in this world who are skilled at doing, but can they make choices that reflect who they are trying to portray? that's where the inconsistency comes in.

Say No to Drugs Kids

i started my prendezone on Tuesday. i absolutely dislike the effect it is having on me. i am shaky, jittery, hyper, and wake up at 4:30am on my own and can't get back to sleep. henceforth, i write. thankfully, i only have to take them once a month for five days over the next six months. what will happen after that will be a new MRI to see if the steroids helped shrink the active lesions, therefore i would see a remission of my symptoms. if not, then it's back to the drawing board, which means a new type of med with it's own host of side-affects. joy.

i will say, though, that i have been feeling much better about some things. i applied for my full licensure this week and have some other things going on behind the scenes that i'm excited about. my fella should be home within the next few weeks, so i am very thrilled about that as well. i started back swimming last night. it felt good to get back in the water and just have some time alone with myself. swimming is meditation for me. i look forward to practicing and building up my lung capacity and stamina again.

as for the book i was reading, i still am, but haven't picked it up all week. i intend to get back into that today, actually. here it sits, next to me on my kitchen table, beckoning me to open it's pages. it's also a library book and i love the sound that the clear protective covering makes. if i could, i would probably cover all my books in that stuff. for me, it's what childhood memories are made of. i spent a lot of time with my mom and grandma at the library as a kid, so i think fondly on the feel and sound of that clear, crackling book cover.

here's to another day of meaning making in my life,
L